All Connections Lost
It was plain to hear
no conversation could take place
without a chaperone
Hushed voices from another adult
Stopping sentences half said
Then came, “Please try your call later,”
disconnected numbers, no dial tone.
All contact stopped.
Believing now that no happy reunion
Filled with tears and so many questions
Will be in my future
I have forever lost my son and daughter.
Missing parts of my heart and soul
Aching with phantom pain
Screaming for relief
But then I began to think
Of the pain that you two may feel
Bringing me to my knees
Clutching at my empty womb
I only wanted to give all of you a better life
One out of the government-funded poverty
Food stamps and a monthly check
Barely enough to survive
I wasn’t raised that way
Making me feel like a failure and a fool
You provide better for your children, not worse.
A destructive relationship
On the verge of implosion
I had no strength left
To save your father too
Too many times he slapped that helping hand
With threats of death
Which at times I think death
would have been better than this
You all deserved better, I thought
Again and again. Making thoughts reality
I was motivated
Working and going to school
Carving out a better life
Finally, I could afford
vacations to the beach
And birthday parties.
And although money doesn’t buy happiness
the bright toothy smiles made it all worthy.
It’s those smiles that carry me
Through each agonizing day.
But no matter the distance and time that passes
Pieces of me you carry deep within you
The little voice telling you
“Everything is going to be ok.”
the deep-seated emotions
a tide running deep
and forever my undying love
as your Mother.