Emotions This Holiday Season
It is the time of year when my moods go into overdrive. I either have an abundance of joyfulness or the complete opposite – extreme moodiness and depression. This year I’ve been striving, doing my best to handle the moodiness in every way I can. Some days it’s working, and other days it seems impossible to keep myself under control.
This time of year used to be my grandmother’s favorite time. She loved the holiday season. Her spirit brought out the energy in the rest of the family, as well. Going to her home would be as if crossing into a wonderland. There would be trees, poinsettias, ornaments, etc. all over her place.
Now that she’s passed, it’s harder to get into the spirit. I’ll do it because it helps my mother. From what I’ve experienced she struggles to keep her head up during December. That was also my grandmother’s birth month. This year, I’ve made it my goal to keep up the holiday cheer – get in the spirit.
It’s gotten easier now I’ve got a roommate that helps to cheer me up most days. She came with her young daughter. It’s much easier to get in the spirit when there’s a small child that’s as excited about Christmas as I want to be. My roommate and her daughter help to boost my spirits – not holiday wise.
Yes, they’ve helped my holiday spirit, but they’ve also helped my spirit in a general sense. They’ve helped with my struggles with anxiety and the depression that was looming over me. I felt as though I could never get out of that funk. Having great friendships helps to pull through that.
My depression was being driven by loneliness – by the anxiety that’s lived inside me since a young age. It’s okay being alone, but isolation is a different monster. Being here on my own during this time of the year would be much worse for my mind. I would drink more again, or I could be spending all of my time and money trying to take care of everyone that even hints at needing help.
I’ve always been the type of person that will give more than I have if it can help someone else out. This year, I have better friends… a better life than I was allowing myself to have last year. I now attempt to surround myself with people I don’t have to question. I don’t have to wonder if they will still be there if I don’t have the money or if I can’t make it out to something.
During this holiday season, I’m less afraid to allow people into my life. I’m less scared of people, myself, reality, everything. It took most of my life, but I finally have confidence in the people I’ve chosen to surround myself with. I have faith in my family, my relationship with my parents, my relationships with my friends.
This is the first holiday season in years I’ve had a slight sense of confidence in myself. I’ve felt that it’s safe to care about myself and care about others. I know I can thank my parents, the wonderful people that climbed the walls to become the friends they are, and I can thank myself for allowing myself to feel the excitement for the holidays I’ve denied myself for years.