My Reflection Gives Me Hope
I hope you find someone like you. You burn everything you touch – it turns to ash in front of you. You do not care, do you? It is a constant war. I do not know if I love you or if I hate you. There will never be a firm answer on that. Not for me. It is such a thin line. One moment you are there, and the sight of you is a comfort. It is something I am willing to wrap myself in.
The next minute I cannot stand it anymore. I loathe everything there is about you. The way that you smirk when you are angry. The face you make when you are deep in thought. You look comfortable – you look amused. It is almost as if everything is a game to you. It is almost as if life is a game to you.
Is there anything real in you? I do not know if I will ever find out. I do not know if I will ever find out if you are even real. There is something about you – your smugness. I become angry when I see that smug look upon your face. It is as if you think you know you are always right. No one is always right. There are days I dream of shouting that at you.
Then there are days I dream of looking into your eyes – getting through to you. I want to get through the guard. I have always had a guard up, yet I fault you for holding one. The issue I am seeing with things is the hypocrisy in myself. Is that what it is? Am I angry at you because I am seeing myself?
I see so much of myself in you; I don’t know if you see. I see the way you never want to be wrong – you almost fear it. Your stubbornness could hold a candle to how others see it. Yet, you’ve shown humility. I have seen it in you. I have seen you in the darkest of your days and know inside there is a different person. A human with real emotions you do not want the world to see. Why have you allowed me to see this, to take it away?
Do you let me see it, so I know that you and I are the same? We are more the same than I will ever want to admit. I struggle to acknowledge my own flaws, yet they’re shining in others. This was never about you. You were the way for me to see my own issues – the ones I struggle so hard to bury. They are the ones I fight to keep hidden from the world.
I do not want people to see my vulnerabilities. They have turned my weaknesses to weapons far too many times by those that I have valued and trusted. They have worked in petty arguments – sometimes causing the ending of a friendship. My weakness is not you. It was never you. My weak points are the parts of myself I see in you.
At times, I will find myself gazing at you – I will see your guard slipping, and it is beautiful. The hope you still have in the world after the hand dealt has a unique beauty. It is difficult to place what it is. There is a look in your eyes, and I can see through to you. When someone is ready to be open, they are at their most beautiful.
I do not want to take advantage of anyone. I have never set out with intent to cause anyone harm. It is the look in your eyes when you are looking off into the distance. It is when your smile comes out – the truest smile you have. I see the beauty in your smile.
A mirror is a useful tool, is it not? It can be destructive, or it can cause one to see their truest form. None of this was ever about another person. I never saw the flaws, anger, or pain inside of someone else. When I look in the mirror that is what I see.
I can also look in the mirror and see myself – see that there is still some hope left. I will never give up hope in this world. There will not be a day that the world is cruel. Some may say I choose to see the world through rose-colored lenses – and this may be true. I see the best in others and see them for what they could be. I will look in my mirror, and I will see hopefulness. That may be my biggest vulnerability, but it may also be my saving grace. I will never run out of love or hope.