An Account Of A NaNoWriMo Failure
Almost the whole year I was reminded of NaNoWriMo, there were camps, writing groups, writing dashes and so many other things to help prep for the month of November. As November approached, I was ready. I have a second manuscript that I am completely revamping and I was going to complete it during NaNoWriMo 2018. I had goals, I made lists, I even put reminders in my planner. This was going to happen. Nobody was going to stop me from the NaNoWriMo win this year. Nobody that is except me.
I’m sure you’re thinking, “no way this seasoned writer could be her own worst writers’ block.” I am here to tell you I am! As the Tweets kept rolling in from the infamous #writingcommunity about the words they were tracking and how their WIP (work in progress) was taking shape, and all the beginning and ending sprints. I fell deeper in a whole of non-writing-despair.
Before that, I did log in to my account, I updated my profile, I even created a book cover for the manuscript I was going to work on. I knew I was going to finish this manuscript. Then, I didn’t. I’m not sure what happened. I could give you all the excuses I gave myself: the lack of time, the overtime offered at work, my kids, my wife, or living. I mean I had myself believing that I was not participating for all of those reasons.
Then revisiting social media, which I did have time for, there were reminders of my procrastination and my fear everywhere. People were writing thousands of words a day. They were tracking them and sharing their wins. Of course, I liked and loved the statuses. I was proud to be a part of the community of writers, but I wasn’t on their level. I’ve thought about this huge failure for a few days now, and I realize that I am scared. I am scared to complete another manuscript. I am scared to give myself to a writing project like a second full manuscript.
I like the way it sounds when I say that I’m working on my second manuscript. It doesn’t put too much pressure on me to have it completed right away. To me, the failure of my imaginary second manuscript is bigger than not participating in NaNoWriMo. It is related though. Of course, this is the first time I’m admitting this; I haven’t even said it out loud yet. I almost feel a little relief sharing my fears. Maybe this is something that all writers go through. Maybe this is another hurdle that a writer has to jump over to get to the other side. Maybe it’s feeling overwhelmed by the feat of writing. Who knows?
All I know is I’m scared. I have this huge weight of fear on my shoulders. I failed NaNoWriMo while other writers sailed passed me. I was happy for those who won and reached their writing goal, while I wallowed in self-pity for not even trying. I gave up so soon. I am a NaNoWriMo failure and this is my account.