She Will Let Go
Each morning begins to feel like a chore. She will wake up and stare at the ceiling. She will stare at the wall. She will stare at anything able to be a distraction. The distraction does not need to be huge – it needs to be anything as long as she can distract herself from the world.
There are days it seems as if the thoughts will not leave her mind. She cannot quit ruminating on the same subject. Meditations, relaxation techniques, deep breathing, they cannot move forward. The thoughts haunt her mind, even if she finds something else to do, the thoughts are there. They will come back. They always come back.
The ghosts of her past haunt her. She will remember them throughout the day. The people no longer in her life haunt her. They are out living, and their memories are living in her mind. She remembers who they were. Who they used to be.
We always glorify the dead, is that not true? When we leave someone, we remember all the good things. We do not remember; we refuse to remember their negative traits. She cannot let go of the good times. She cannot let go of the memories of the people they were. It is hard to remember who they were. Not only the good times, who they were.
There are reasons she removed them from her life. There are reasons they removed her from their lives. There are reasons they moved on. Everyone needs to move on. Friendships fade; they move along. People change. It can be hard to let go.
It is hard to believe people move forward. She cannot let go of the thoughts. She cannot let go of the ghosts. The memories that haunt her – where did the reasons go? She is still here in her life yet they are not. Will they ever be? It is impossible to allow the memories to go. She is not ready to let go.
She thinks back daily. She wonders if there is anything she could have done. She could have preserved the friendships. If something were different at the time – they would have gone another way. She could have put a stop to everything.
Now she lives with the racing thoughts. She has with the dreams of what could have been. Her life is flying by her without pause – yet she is standing still. A girl lost in the memories of the world that once was. She longs for nothing more than a warm embrace. Someone to tell her everything will all be alright in the end.
She longs for the end – where everything is calm. She can breathe. The memories are flashing past her and she is ready to let them go. When will she let them go? Will they ever change? She knows it will change yet she cannot bring herself to let go, not yet. She let them go, her life is calmer without them. Their ghosts are better than the reality.
If she searches, she will see things were never as colorful as she thought. Searching, she will see the people were different than the memories. No one is ever as beautiful as their ghosts portray them to be. Everyone is a saint once they pass by. Once they leave, the ghost is all that remains, and it is hard to see much else. She knows she needs to move forward.
She needs to accept the loss – accept the gain. Accepting the change is the hardest part. It will eat her alive if she allows. She will not allow it to destroy her. She will move forward. She will move on. She will let go and accept that life is easier now.