When the Time Comes
My Current State of Being
Since December 9, 2017, my world has been in a sort of suspended state of being. More days than not, I haven’t been able to tell up from down, right from left. December 9th is the day my nephew took flight from his earthly home.
I’ve gotten overly emotional at the sight of a specific make of truck – those Nissan Titans do it to me every time — but I have no problem handling my nephew’s things. It destroys me to pass his house, which I do twice a day, every single workday, but I am able to look at his videos and crack up.
I’ve cried at the drop of a dime; I’ve giggled at inopportune moments. I don’t operate at full capacity most days. To be honest, I haven’t even reached the half-way mark to normalcy. I know, I know – there’ll have to be a new “normal,” but I’m not ready to tackle that just yet.
I’m okay with hanging out in this sort of purgatory. I’m in an animated state. I’m pretty much floating above reality right now, but I still feel the pain of all the things that have happened. Doesn’t make sense, huh? I know it doesn’t, but I can’t help it.
I’m confused. I freely admit that I’m confused. I’m finding my way out of the darkness, but I’ve also realized that I haven’t even entered the first of the five stages of grief, and that’s because it still isn’t real to me. I still feel him with me. I can’t call him, but I still feel him with me. I can’t text him, but I still feel him with me. It’ll be some time before I enter those stages.
The Other Thing That Happened
One of my first cousins passed away Sunday morning, January 14, 2018. She was 49 years old and three and a half months younger than I am. She died exactly 35 days after my nephew left us. She had a plethora of health issues, but domestic violence most certainly played a role in her demise. The boy (I refuse to call him a man) she was with abused her, mentally and emotionally, right up till the end. He was probably hitting her, too, but we’ll probably never know if that’s true or not.
We grew up next door to each other. She was my first friend. Our mothers were sisters. We went to church together every Tuesday night for Y.P.W.W., every Wednesday night for Bible Study, every Saturday night for youth service, every Sunday morning for Sunday School, every Sunday afternoon for general service, and every Sunday evening for night service. We caught the bus to school every morning until I got my first car at 16. Even then, we saw each other every day. I went off to college, but we never lost contact. I knew that at some point, her health issues would take her under, but I was still unprepared for her death. She was 49.
When the Time Comes
When the time comes for me to enter the stages of grief, I wonder just how I’ll handle it. Those five stages are:
• Denial — I’m not here because he just hasn’t left me yet.
• Anger — How can I be angry when this is God’s will?
• Bargaining — I have nothing great enough to bargain with.
• Depression — I pray that I don’t fall down this rabbit hole.
• Acceptance — No.
All the Treases You Can Handle
The reason that I have that concern is because I’ve flip-flopped between “Pre-divorce Trease” to “Post-divorce Trease” to “Weepy Trease” to “Confused Trease.”
You see, “Pre-divorce Trease” had been so damaged by the mental and emotional abuse sustained over that 19-year marriage that nothing affected me. NOTHING! One of my best friends died at the hands of a drunk driver and I only cried once. My heart was shattered, but I had learned to hide my feelings because I had been conditioned to believe that they didn’t matter.
Then you have “Post-divorce Trease” who allowed every emotion in the world to show but was still amazing at blocking out people, things, and situations. I cared and I’d let you know it, but I was quick to walk away without so much as a whisper that I was leaving.
Ahhhh, “Weepy Trease”…the crybaby. I would cry if you were mean to me, I’d cry if you were nice to me. I’d cry over sad movies, I’d cry over sappy movies. Any old thing would make me cry. She was a mess. There’s not a lot to be said for or about her — she was a crybaby.
That brings me to the current-day version of me — “Confused Trease.” I’m not totally confused, but I am in a place that is foreign to me. My mind is so scattered that sometimes I forget what day it is. I am so lost without my nephew. I don’t know where he is and I don’t know how to find him. The weird this is that I know for a fact that my cousin died. The thing is, I don’t feel that Arthur has died in the traditional sense. I still feel him with me. Don’t think I’m crazy because I’m not. I’m far from it. Right now, I’m just confused.
What I know is that even after a person dies and leaves this world physically, sometimes their spirit lingers. I believe that’s what’s happens with Arthur. I still feel him. He’s just not gone.