The ‘A’ Is Not For Ally
Content Warning: Mentions of Sexuality and Aphobia
My sexuality has always been best described as “Cool, but no thanks.” It took a long time for me to find out that there were others like me, who didn’t feel sexually or romantically attracted to anyone. At the age of twenty, I learned the word for it; Asexual/Aromantic.
As the LGBTQIA+ movement gains more steam and letters, it can be difficult to keep track of all the meanings, and Asexuality is definitely one of the lesser-known sexualities. As such, we suffer a lot from erasure.
What is it?
The simple definition of Asexuality/Aromanticism (Ace/Aro for short) is someone who doesn’t experience sexual/romantic attraction to any gender or experiences it in a limited capacity. Like all sexualities, it can be fluid and change as time moves on.
The easiest way to describe Asexuality/Aromanticism is having the most delicious-looking food you can think of in front of you. It smells good, looks good, and is at just the right temperature. Even Gordon Ramsey has given his chef’s kiss of approval. All around you, people are chowing down and telling you how good it is, but you aren’t hungry. You may take a bite out of guilt or curiosity, but you still aren’t hungry; you might even hate the flavor.
Some people are only Ace and desire romantic relationships. Others may be Aromantic and, while they may participate in sexual relationships, they don’t feel romantic desire. Some are both or feel both to varying degrees. I personally Identify as an Aromantic Asexual. I don’t feel any desire for sex and, while I’ve been interested in the idea of loving someone, I’ve never experienced romantic attraction.
The Asexual spectrum includes a wide range of attractions. Asexuals can, and some do, engage in sexual activities. Others may be repulsed by the act. Aromantics exist on much the same spectrum. Some Asexuals enjoy the act of sex but don’t feel the desire for it. Some Aromantics don’t marry, and some marry their platonic soulmates. Regardless, there’s no ‘right way’ to be Ace/Aro.
Asexuality is not abstinence. One is a choice, and the other is one’s nature. Asexuality may seem strange and rare, but it’s estimated that 1% of the global population is on the Ace Spectrum. With nearly seven billion people identifying with this orientation, it’s hard to believe that we can be disregarded so easily, but it happens.
Why do we need to discuss it?
Simply put, some of us would have liked to have known this was an option. I didn’t have the word ‘Ace’ until college. I’d never been in love or interested in sex and brushed it off as being a late bloomer.
I couldn’t explain what I was or felt, and while I was careful to avoid leading people on, this didn’t stop a few very uncomfortable confessions and a few lost friends. Having to tiptoe around my interactions with others left me hyper-conscious of my lack of sexual/romantic attraction and feeling wrong and damaged. It also alienated me from my peers, who were incredibly interested in sex and relationships. I know of some Ace/Aros who tried to ignore their lack of desire and didn’t accept their orientation until after marriage and children.
I would never tell anyone they can’t talk about their romantic or sexual orientation or preferences, but I’ve found I’m not often given the same respect. In fact, people go out of their way to tell me why I’m wrong. Asexuality is swept under the rug due to a lack of understanding or mishandling in popular culture. If I had had good representation growing up, I might have been more assured in who I was earlier and wouldn’t have felt so adrift.
Ace/Aro Representation
One of the primary examples of Ace erasure is the attempt by the straight community to reassign the ‘A’ in LGBTQIA+ as ‘Ally.’ This is inherently incorrect and does not hold with what the movement is for. ‘Ally’ is not a sexual orientation, and true allyship should not hinge on being recognized for basic human decency. Members of the LGBT+ community can also deny Ace/Aro’s a seat at the table because we are considered “basically straight.” The same thing happens with Pansexuals and Bisexuals.
…true allyship should not hinge on being recognized for basic human decency.
Another example is the lack of representation in popular media. If there are characters that are canonically asexual, it’s rare to see them portrayed well.
Sheldon Cooper of the show Big Bang Theory is often portrayed as someone with no interest in sex or relationships, though he does eventually engage in a relationship with Amy. While his orientation was never explicitly stated in the show, he definitely lacks interest in the subject. And the efforts Amy makes to coerce Sheldon into a sexual relationship border on disturbing. Sheldon also has many characteristics described by characters as Robotic or Alien. His lack of interest makes him seem childish, naive, and inhuman at times.
Asexual characters that follow this design become othered by the viewers very easily, implying a wrongness with this orientation. It’s accurate to say that characters who prefer their work to relationships or are excessively cold to people that want to get to know them embody a poor understanding of Asexuality/Aromanticism. The Asexual Loner Genius is a trope used often and isn’t accurate towards Asexuals as a group.
Another bad representation is the Ace couple in the episode of House titled “Better Half.” Asexuality is not given any credibility and is treated callously by both the writers and the characters. In essence, the wife is faking it, and the husband is brain-damaged. The husband is, of course, cured by the end of the episode.
While rare, there are some positive examples of Asexuality. See the brief list below:
- Spongebob Squarepants is canonically Asexual/Aromantic, as all sea sponges are. This was confirmed by Stephen Hillenberg in 2002. He still lives a fulfilling life with plenty of platonic relationships.
- In BoJack Horseman, Todd works through realizing his Asexual orientation. This show did a surprisingly good job of handling the exploration of Asexuality.
- Last but not least is Alastor from Hazbin Hotel, an R-18 animated feature created by Vivienne “VivziePop” Medrano. This is so far my all-time favorite Asexual character and one of my favorite characters in general. Alastor’s sexuality is not explicitly discussed in the pilot episode, available on YouTube, though he does turn down a sexual favor when it’s offered. His orientation is confirmed by the creator ,and will probably color his interactions in the future.
Notice that all of these characters are male. BoJack Horseman shows female Ace/Aro characters, but it’s hard to find them anywhere else. While characters like Elsa from Frozen, and Merida from Brave, can be assumed as Ace/Aro it’s not confirmed. The fact that more male characters are outed as Aro/Ace than female characters isn’t a coincidence. Consider how we view single men versus single women. One is a Bachelor, while the other is a Cat Lady. One is dedicated to his work/cause, and the other is a prude/spinster. In film and tv, if a man is a Virgin at 30, it’s comedy. If a woman is, it’s depressing.
Asexual coded characters that activity rebuke relationships are either in one by the end of the show, or they become antagonists. Aro/Ace coded men are often cold geniuses or need to be loved into shape by their female counterparts. Female characters experience a Taming Of The Shrew type transformation. Very few end up happily single. This is because one of the easiest goals for a fictional character to have is sex or love.
What struggles do Aces/Aros face?
Sex is so steeped in our everyday lives because it sells well even when done badly, especially in Western culture. Think Twilight, Fifty Shades, and 365 Days. The same goes for romance. These concepts loom so large, the lack of desire for it is met with rejection.
Beyond being told we are incorrect or too young to know for sure, Ace/Aro people encounter a range of aphobia when outing themselves or being outed. When you genuinely try to express something you’ve struggled with or have finally come to terms with, it can be disheartening to be shouted down by your family or friends. Unfortunately, Asexuality or Aromanticism is an area where people tend to think their opinions trump your lived experiences.
People have offered solutions to ‘fix’ me multiple times. These ideas range from hormone treatment to finding a “good dick,” getting counseling for the trauma I don’t have, or accusing me of lying for attention. The weirdest thing I’ve heard is that I’m too pretty to be Asexual. I’ve also been told that I look like I sleep around, so I can’t be Ace/Aro. I’m not alone in this treatment.
The darker side of aphobia can range from instances of corrective rape/murder to being considered less than human. Some aphobics have even declared that Ace/Aro people deserve to be raped or sexually abused for denying our partners something they deserve. Just like with other LGBTQ+ orientations, Asexuality/Aromanticism comes with having to be cautious of who we reveal ourselves to. This is especially dangerous for women, who are already at risk. Men also receive a lot of negative feedback, usually centered around their masculinity or assumed lack thereof.
Even joking comments can be hurtful. It’s even worse when you are constantly pressured to endure something you don’t want because it’s ‘natural.’ My only high school boyfriend was a result of peer pressure and harassment. I didn’t want to go out with him, but he kept asking, and others kept encouraging. I gave in to get it to stop, and it went downhill very fast. He wanted physical affection and didn’t respect that I didn’t, grabbing me and kissing me without my consent. I ended it quickly. I’ve tried dating others, but no matter who it is or how nice and interesting they are, I can’t bring myself to pursue anything beyond friendship.
To Sum Up
Here are a few fundamental things Ace/Aro people would like you to understand:
- Please do not treat us like we’re too young to understand our sexual or romantic natures. We live in a world where preschoolers are asked if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. The only time someone’s sexual or romantic preference is questioned is when it deviates from the heterosexual norm.
- We understand that other people experience sexual and romantic attraction. You can ask us how comfortable we are with the subject rather than absurdly censoring your conversations to avoid hurting our feelings. Many of us even enjoy/make sex jokes. Put away the kid gloves.
- Please do not assume we are broken/abused/traumatized/ in need of fixing.
- There’s more to life than dating and sex. We are not lesser for pursuing platonic relationships only.
- Other’s sexual/romantic interest in me is neither my fault nor my problem. No one owes anyone their body or affection just because someone else wants it.
- It’s not a matter of finding ‘the right person’ or not being attractive enough to get laid.
- No, I don’t reproduce by myself.
Regardless of whether your sexuality is decided, changing, non-existent, or you just want to learn more as an ally, it’s important to find a community where you feel safe and accepted. Aven is an organization dedicated to educating and accepting people who are coming out as Ace/Aro or want to learn more.
On the journey to discovering who I am, I’ve gone from hating myself to accepting my nature. I’m finally happy and comfortable with who I am. I hope everyone gets to experience that someday. To any Aro/Aces out there, you are enough. No matter where you are on the spectrum or in your relationships, your identity is yours. You are loved and there is nothing wrong with you. There never was.
Photo by Kieran Wood on Unsplash