Almost two weeks ago, I was honored to be present while my daughter gave birth to her daughter. I am still processing the experience and I’m not sure I want to share it with anyone just yet. However, some things did happen that made me want to create awareness about birth etiquette. I realized that what was common sense for me was oblivious to others. I feel I can advise a bit on this topic since I birthed four children and have been present for two grandchildren now. 

Remembering a few tips will avoid conflict and make the event better for everyone!

During Labor:

• It’s not about you. I feel like I shouldn’t have to say more about this but, sadly, incidents have proven otherwise. Whether you’re the father of the baby, grandmother, sister, brother, or best friend, it’s not about you. It’s about the mother and baby. During labor, her wishes and baby’s health are the only things that matter. Most mothers have a general idea of who they want in the room weeks or even months before their due date. Respect that, and know it’s not because she doesn’t like you. It’s all about who she feels the most comfortable with.
• If you’re in the room, do something to help. Do not just sit and stare at the laboring mother. If she’s in early labor, keep her distracted with light conversation, simple card games, or even coloring. Make sure she stays hydrated and eats (if allowed by her medical team). During active labor, breathing with the mom and making low tones helps her to stay calm and focused. Only one person should be doing this at a time, though. Too many voices can be frustrating and distracting.
• The mother’s senses are going to be even more heightened, especially touch and smell. Pay attention to her body language and stop rubbing her arms or back if she shifts away. If she says she’s hot, give her a cool washcloth for the back of her neck but don’t be surprised if a minute later she tosses it to the floor because she’s freezing. If you’re going to be up close and personal with the mother’s face, brush your teeth or suck on a breath mint. Do not wear perfume or clothing that you’ve worn to smoke in. Do not bring strong smelling food into the room. If it’s a long labor and you need to eat, do so away from her. Smells can make her nauseated and there’s a good chance she will already get sick at some point, so why make it worse for her?
• Do not ask her complicated questions when she’s in active labor. Her focus is going to be completely on what’s happening with her body. If you need to find out something make sure she can answer with one word. If you (or her medical team) needs her to do something just tell her using simple instructions. 
• Do not give a play by play on social media or announce the baby’s arrival before the parents do. Some parents will Instagram the baby as soon as it’s born while others wait until they’re home before posting. Wait until the parents have made their announcement and have given the green light for you to tell others. 
• Stay out of the way of the medical team. Emergencies, even small ones, can easily happen at a birth and the last thing the doctor, midwife, or nurses need is an anxious father or grandparent roaming the room trying to find out what is going on. Pick an out of the way spot near the mother and stay there. 

Having a new baby is hard, even if it’s not your first, and you can easily get overwhelmed. There are some courtesies to observe for a few weeks after the delivery. 

After the baby is born:

• Call or text before showing up. Unless the mother has specifically said you can come over anytime, do not assume your presence is welcome. Again, it’s not about you. It’s about the mother recuperating and learning her new baby’s habits. It’s hard to do that when people keep popping in to see the newborn.
• When you do visit, do something useful. Bring a meal, do the laundry or dishes, hold the baby so mom can take a shower, take the older children to the park. There are many things you can do to help and make the mother feel less stressed. If you’re not sure, do not ask the mother. She’s going to either feel guilty for asking or be so tired that she won’t know where to tell you to start. Instead, think of what you wish someone would have done for you after you had your baby (if you’re a mom), or ask your mom, aunt, cousin, or friend. 
• Also, do not stay long. New moms are running on very little sleep and visitors can easily overtax their energy reserves. I promise she wants company. She wants to feel like she’s not alone or forgotten. However, having visitors — no matter how helpful — can make a person feel like they have to play hostess. This is the last thing a new mom needs to do. In fact, if you are (or about to be) a new mom, feel free to tell visitors that you’re tired and are going to go take a nap. They will be okay because it’s not about them. 

Above all, respect and love the mother. You’re in her life for a reason, and just because she’s having a baby does not mean she values you any less. Show her you care by honoring her choices and not getting offended if you aren’t invited to the birth or if she tells you no when you ask to visit. Ask again later (she could be getting ready for a nap, or already met her quota on visitors for the day), and always ask if she needs anything from the store. In a few weeks, she’ll find her equilibrium. But during the birthing process and for those first weeks, offer her support, be useful, and do not make her decisions about you.