But I Never Listened (Part Four)
Content Warning/Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse- If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
When she was willing to overlook the rumors about me, I thought she might be the one. I kept her at an arm’s length for a while. It was the only way to keep myself safe. After all, I’ve been promised forever before, and she left me. I might have had a hand in helping her leave, but she still broke her promise. The words still resonate with me, “I don’t love you.” How could she lie to me like that? You don’t fall out of love.
This girl, no, this woman, she’s different. She sees my damage, and she calls it beauty. I haven’t told her the truth; she believes that my ex-girlfriend was a runaway. There was too much damage to go back and tell the truth about it now. I could never tell her the truth, could I? Maybe, I know she’s falling for me. I might be able to tell her what really happens.
She’s never seen me lose control. Then again, she always looks at me with that glimmer in her eyes. All I’ve ever wanted was love. Is it so wrong to be loved? There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to be loved. I could have gone about it better, but I didn’t. I didn’t listen when everyone told me she was going to be the downfall in my life. I’m listening now, though. I’m so much better now that she’s left me.
My mental health is improving, even if I still go visit her. No one can know I know where she is. If they knew I knew, everything would unravel. My life is just coming together, I’m not letting it fall apart. Yeah, I’ve drunk a few too many before and told people the truth, but it’s so easy to play it off like I was just talking shit. The people I told can’t believe I’d actually do something like that – they don’t believe I’d ever hurt a fly.
I didn’t hurt her though! That’s what no one will understand. They wouldn’t understand how much pain I was in. How can no one see how much this is hurting me? It’s all about her, where she went, what happened to her, and these horrible accusations! What is wrong with them? It’s all about her. It’s always been all about her. No one thinks about me; they keep questioning me. I’m not blind to the looks people give me.
People here think I’m a monster. That’s the furthest from the truth. If anyone was the monster, it was her! She put on this facade of being such a sweet, innocent girl. The minute people turned their backs, she had a knife in it. She was eager to stab me in the heart, though. She was watching me and wanted to see my heart break. She looked me in the eyes while she did it.
I looked her in the eyes until hers were dull and lifeless. That’s the difference; I never stabbed her, I never set out to hurt her. Everyone keeps telling my friends I’m a murderer. I’m not, though. I’m not a murderer, she is! She’s the one that killed me, she killed my soul! I’m the monster because she was seen with me before she disappeared. “Disappeared”, yeah, right. She disappeared all the time. She did it for attention.
They’re not looking at it as another cry for attention, though. That’s all she did—she lied, she manipulated, she made promises with no intention of keeping them. She hurt me, she hurt everyone around her. Her lies were what caused her demise. That girl was broken. Why don’t they look at this as another one of her cries for attention? Because it involves me. Her mother keeps screaming that it was me, that I had something to do with it.
It’s impressive how quickly her mother forgot how many times she ran away from HER. Her mother treated her like a servant, and she would hit her more than I would. All the bruises were blamed on me, though. I hate seeing her mom parade around like a martyr—this is just as much her fault as it is mine. If she were a better mother, if she paid more attention, if she actually would put down the bottle and show her daughter love… well, she can’t do that anymore.
You’d think she would be thankful, wouldn’t you? I took a problem away from her, and instead she’s out to prosecute me.
No, I’m not letting her take my life. Her daughter tried that, and we all saw how that one played out. It’s not playing out that way again. I’ll trash her yard, teach her a lesson. Maybe if I slash her tire, she’ll get the hint. She’ll understand she can’t do this to people. I helped her and this is how she repays me? That woman, that creature, was the real problem, if she would have taught her daughter how to love, then maybe she would still be around.
Instead, she told me she didn’t love me. They drove me into the arms of this beautiful woman. I’ve never been so happy that she doesn’t listen. I never listened to the rumors about her, that she was only with me because of some sick fetish. That’s not her, it’s not how she is. People talk about her, the police question her. She repeats my story because she believes me.
It’s weird it took me this long to realize what loyalty is. This woman, this beautiful woman, has finally taught me what loyalty and love is. I might be falling for her, too. Is this what love is? It has to be. I guess I didn’t know what love was before, but I have no doubts about it now.
Photo Courtesy of Sahand Hoseini via Unsplash