Over the past eight months I thought about starting a journal to capture what my life looked like and felt like during the COVID-19 pandemic. But I couldn’t bring myself to sit down and do it.

While the thought was a good idea, I haven’t had the energy or the motivation to unpack all these complicated emotions I’ve felt during this time. Now I’ve gotten to the point where I’m afraid that if I don’t start writing them down, I may dissolve into a puddle of tears, because I never really dealt with these feelings. I’ve let them fester while I go about my days.

This got me thinking, though, since I haven’t been facing these complicated feelings, how have I been able to keep going? I examined what I’ve done to cope while the world is essentially falling apart, while being fortunate to work remotely from home.

I use the term “cope” loosely. This is more a list of how I’ve unsuccessfully tried to distract myself during this time:

My time spent watching YouTube and Netflix quadrupled. I immersed myself in created content, movies, and tv shows, by binge watching through channels and tv shows. I’m currently halfway through the fourth season of Letterkenny, a Canadian comedy. If I had a list of all the movies and tv shows I’ve watched since March, I know it’d be a respectable size.

Unlike others, I never went through the popular bread-baking phase, partially due to my wheat allergy and partially due to not having the patience. I experimented making some gluten free chocolate chip cookies and apple crisp and other easy desserts. I’m just glad my leggings are stretchy and still fit.

I’ve drowned my sorrows in a copious amount of burrito bowls, door-dashed from the local Chipotle, and eaten with their chips as utensils. I don’t even really like Chipotle that much, but I appreciate how salty their chips are and their queso dip.

A few months in to the pandemic, I downloaded TikTok after friends suggested it. I haven’t attempted to make a single video, but I have scrolled through that app for hours on end. I saved the ones I think are the funniest so I can go back and watch those when I need a quick laugh and a dose of serotonin.

I’ve also indulged in sleeping. I’ve slept away countless weekends and evenings, all because I couldn’t think of anything better to do. Unfortunately, due to COVID fatigue and possibly from sleeping too much, I don’t always feel rested from those sleep marathons.

But the thing I’ve done the most, and what’s helped the most during the pandemic, is allowing myself to cry. That cathartic release of pent up confusion, anger, and sadness is the only thing that has left me feeling a little lighter than before. While I do have good days along with the bad, crying during COVID has provided a consistent pressure release.