Dissociating to Survive
Scene featuring suicide.
I’m taking a break from “The Novel” this week, but I’ll be back writing it in two weeks. Being a writer with a borderline personality disorder with OCD tendencies s exhausting. I spend days, yes, days working on elaborate scenarios in which my boyfriend will leave me in my head. It’s the borderlines fear of abandonment coupled with the intrusive thoughts of the OCD tendencies and top all that off with a creative mind equals disaster.
So, my therapist came up with this form of therapy that works most of the time. First, I have to dissociate myself from my thoughts. I have to make the scenarios in my head about other people, and then, write a story about it. For the most part, if I don’t do this, I’ll drown in intrusive thoughts and spend my days crying over something that won’t happen.
So, today, I’m just going to do a few “scenes” to get them out of my crazy brain. Forgive me if they seem far-fetched or weird.
Scene 1-Boyfriend breaks up with through text.
Bella sat cross-legged on her parent’s brown loveseat waiting to hear from David. She looks up from her book when she hears the ding of a text from her phone. She excitedly picks up her phone.
I’m sorry, I know I promised I would never leave you. But I just can’t handle you any longer. You’ve gotten to be too much for me. I know I’m letting you down. But I have to think of my health as well. Please don’t text or call me back. Good luck with therapy and everything.
Bella stares at the phone as the tears gently flow knowing deep down it would always end this way.
Scene 2-Boyfriend drives girlfriend to kill herself.
Bella angrily texted David back. Her fingers flying from one letter to the next.
Bella: You’re cheating on me, aren’t you? I know it! I can tell by how you’ve been acting!
David: I can’t take this anymore! I’m done!
Bella: What do you mean?
But there was only silence on the other end. By that night, Bella still hadn’t heard from David. She couldn’t take it any longer. She fetched her father’s handgun, pointed it at her chest and fired. Just then there was a ding from Bella’s phone.
David: Have you calmed down?
This is just a tiny taste of what goes on in my brain all day, every day. I’m writing this to 1. Help me to possibly end the thoughts. And 2. To possibly help someone else who suffers discover a new coping tool.