As of recent, I found a show on HBO called Euphoria. It was just released, starring Zendaya, produced by Drake. When I see those names, I remember Degrassi and The Disney Channel. Perhaps, I was searching for a bit of nostalgia when I opened the link and began watching. There was no way to prepare for what was on the screen next. 

No, this won’t be a review of the show. It’s the way the show Euphoria made me think about life. It’s the way I saw things after the first episode. Zendaya’s character, Ruby, is coming home from rehab and searching for drugs again. She doesn’t repeat the prayer along with everyone during the end of an addict session. She seems off, but no one seems to notice it, other than her mother. 

It gives flashbacks to how her younger sister looked up to her and was the one to find her after she overdosed. Within the first five minutes of Euphoria, Ruby gave an inner monologue. 

It hit so close to home and put into words, things I didn’t know could be expressed. I feel one particular monologue would resonate with so many people struggling with anxiety issues, panic attacks, mental health issues. They want two minutes of peace, for things to be quiet if ONLY for those two moments. Then reality hits again. It strikes like a brick. It doesn’t feel possible to breathe or to continue. Each time it happens, you almost want to go to the hospital. You don’t go because you’ve experienced it before, but it feels a little different each time.

Maybe this will be the time it’s different. What if there is something wrong? 

It feels impossible to push forward. Ruby’s way of handling it was through drugs. She didn’t want to feel anything, so she made reality what she wanted it to be. Ruby appears unaware of all the damage she was causing to others, she continues her use. She finds more and keeps going, even if it puts her in dangerous situations.

Her friends seem to care for her. They’re the ones she ignores the most. How many of us are like that? We see others caring and loving us. They’re the ones we’ll push away the hardest. They will be the biggest threats to our perfect existence. This isn’t something specific to drug users, but to all of us. Who do we push away? Why are we pushing away the people who care the most? 

It may not be a conscious effort, but we’ll choose what we think we’re worth. Pushing away those who love and support us might be because we feel unworthy. We need to stop, though. We need to remember we are loved, and we are worthy of it. It’s not anyone’s place to tell us we aren’t worthy of it, and maybe they never have. We tell ourselves. 

We may seek out people we believe to be as “damaged” as we are. We may want to help them. They may seem interesting or unique. When looking at the damage on the person, it could be us seeing ourselves. We work so hard to save them and to understand them. Maybe we do it to know if we’re they’re rescuers, we can save ourselves.

There are days it may not feel worth it when it is. Climbing your way out of the hole may seem impossible, but the truth is, it isn’t. You can make it through this. We can all make it through this. I can make it through this.