Content Warning/Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse- If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7​, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

Part One

I don’t understand why she couldn’t listen. When I told her I loved her, she didn’t pay attention. She said she wanted to leave me. How could she want to leave me? I put everything into this relationship. The relationship meant the world to me, and it meant nothing to her. Losing control, well, it happened once before, and it happened again. I guess this time, it was overkill. Overkill is a funny word for it, isn’t it? She’s gone now. She wanted to leave me, but I couldn’t let that happen.

Letting her go was one of the hardest things in the world for me. When I let go of her throat, I didn’t have any idea what to do. There was no other choice but to let her go. My only choice was to let her go, and she wouldn’t wake up. I sat with her and cried for a while, not knowing if I was crying for her or crying because I lost her. It took a long time, but she left me. It was my choice this time.

How could she do this to me? She thought she could leave me and everything would be okay. We promised forever to one another.  In a  way,  she kept her promise.  However,  her forever was shorter than mine. Now, she left me, and I’m here alone. I thought she’d be the person that would follow through. What did I expect from a girl like that?

I should have expected better.  Her skin was so smooth in my hands though, everything about her was so fragile. I didn’t intend to end her life. That was never in the plan, and it was an accident. But, of course, no one would believe that. So I carried her farther into the woods. She was heavier than I expected. I guess that’s what they mean by dead weight.

I don’t know why I keep coming up with puns for this. The situation isn’t funny, and there’s someone’s blood on my hands. At least that isn’t a truism. There isn’t any blood, and I wanted her to stop talking. I wrapped my hands around her throat, and I couldn’t stop. She had to stop talking. If I let her keep talking, she was going to keep saying it.

“I don’t love you.” How could she say this to me? We’ve gone through so much together. I put my life on the line for her, and I put my freedom on the line for her! So when she filed that damn restraining order, I was so angry. Later, we talked about it, and she promised she didn’t mean it. I told her I would love her forever, but she didn’t listen.

She didn’t listen when I told her I would have her forever. At first, she thought it was romantic. But there was truth in it,  and  I  knew  I  wanted to keep her forever.  The love  I  felt before was nothing compared to how she made me feel. She still makes me feel? I don’t know, and it’s questionable. This woman, she’s everything I’ve looked for in someone. It was always fun to be around her, but now that’s not an option.

She didn’t listen when I said I needed her. That I couldn’t see her with anyone else, that it would kill me inside to see her with someone else. I guess that’s something I never have to worry about. Not like she can be with anyone in the state she’s in. I’m lucky, and I’ll never have to see her go out on a  date with someone else.  No other man is going to look into her eyes and see how beautiful she is.

She didn’t listen when I said no one would love her the way that I do. I love her in a way no one else is ever going to. I’m the last person that’s going to love her like this. She knew I couldn’t take it. She didn’t listen when I told her to stop talking. If she would have stopped talking and tried to work out our problems, I wouldn’t have lost control.

It was a momentary lapse of control, and she’s ruined my life. But, unfortunately, I didn’t listen when people told me she was going to ruin my life. My friends thought I should stay away from her, and they could sense that she was bringing out the worst in me.

I didn’t listen to my own instincts. They always tell you love is blind, but I finally realized the reality of it with her. She made me do things I never thought I would do. I didn’t listen to her when she was gasping for air, trying to beg for her life. Why should I listen to her when she couldn’t listen to me?

The tears rolling down her face were nothing new to me. The ones on my face were new to me. I’ve never cried over a woman before her. I’ve never mourned over anyone but her before. She’s the first person I’ve loved this way. I didn’t listen to my therapist when he told me to take a breath, take a breather and let her go for a while. Instead, he told me to take a break from her. How did no one understand that she’s my drug?

If I would have listened to everyone,  would this outcome be any different? Unfortunately, she may still be with me. Listening would have been the best thing for me, but I never listened.

Now, here’s this girl in front of me. When I look into her eyes, I see a sparkle. It’s the same sparkle I saw go out in her eyes.  Watching the light leave her eyes was an interesting sight. This girl, though, she has the sparkle. The butterflies are back again. She’s beautiful, unique, and she seems like she understands. She can understand me. If I give this one more go, she won’t leave me. She could be the one that shows me there’s a difference. This girl here? She might be the one. Maybe she’ll listen.

Featured Photo courtesy of Marten Newhall via Unsplash