I Want To Be Reborn
***Trigger Warning***
Article deals with mental health issues.
There are days I will wake up, look in the mirror and wish to be anybody but myself. I joke around a lot and make remarks such as, “I loathe myself.” I let people assume it’s a joke. It flows out because it’s the truth. Some mornings I despise myself. I want to peel off my skin, pick away at every imperfection and turn into the ideal person. I want to become someone that everyone can see as someone beautiful.
It is not only on the outside–the inside as well My personality is frustrating. I want to change it until I’m normal. If I could pull myself apart until I was uninformed and seen as someone worthy, I would. I want to look at myself and love who I am.
There are nights I will lie awake in bed, letting my thoughts race. Late at night, my thoughts have chased me into exhaustion, and I can not handle it anymore. I will sleep for so long I will not know how it happened. I will still wake up and crave to be someone else.
I avoid the mirror. I do not want to look at myself. I do not want to glimpse into my mind. The eyes are the key to the soul, and I dislike what I see in mine. I look and view sadness, anger, distrust, and pain. I want it to stop. I do not want to see the emotions that show through.
I have always been the type of person that hates upsetting someone else. I cannot stand knowing I have caused anyone pain. It will keep me up at night, and I will struggle with anything and everything. I will shred myself for the action that caused the individual pain. I will fight it as hard as I can. I will struggle to sleep. I will fight to eat. I will argue with myself to do normal things to take care of myself.
It feels as though there is nothing I can do. My emotions surround me, and it is like I am in a fire. There are moments I want to escape the fire. Other times I wonder if I sit in it if it turns me to ash. I can be reborn, like the Phoenix. Then there are the stronger days; I want to run. I want to escape everything. I want to run away from everything in life. I dream of a life I can recreate myself.
It is normal to want to recreate yourself, but I want to go somewhere I can find stability. Is it possible to start a new life? I want to be a new person and have a different life. It seems almost as if it is not running away, but starting over, like the Phoenix. I want to restart and lead into something new.
I want to be reborn. Some days I wish I could peel everything off and be reborn into the strongest version of myself. That is all I want–to be the finest version of myself or someone new. Some days, I’m tired of being me.
If you or someone you know is
contemplating suicide, call the
National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255,
text Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or call 911”
***TRIGGER WARNING*** And this is my totally unprofessional opinion.
Sarah,
I know …
I read the book This Is How: Surviving What You Think You Can’t, by Augusten Burroughs. In it, he discusses an alternative to ending one’s life. Starting over as a new person. Just leaving one’s current life, disappearing, and becoming someone new. “But all the people who would be hurt by not knowing where I am or if I am okay.” If it is that or suicide … that person would be choosing life. Sounds crazy, huh? Is starting over, in a last ditch effort to survive, crazier than ending one’s life? Not in my mind. IMHO. But what do I know? I just blah blah blah.
Not that you even mentioned suicide. But I saw the hotline number, and your article made me think of the chapter in that book.
I understand this is quite possibly not what you even mean. Perhaps you mean you want to be reborn as a new physical person, as well as have a new psyche that is not bothered by the thoughts that plague you. A new mind that doesn’t fight with the part of you that hates you.
My wish for you, Sarah (which means Princess and is the name of my best, life-long friend) is that somewhere inside, you remember who you were before this world got a hold of you. And you remember what you knew before they told you to stop believing. Because you have so much more power inside you than you realize right now. You, my dear, have the power to take hold of your world and change it. You have help. I promise. And they will give you strength when you have nothing left. Thereisalwaysmore. ♥️