I’m Not Coming Back
When it’s all done, when it’s all said, I can’t let myself go back again. You let me believe I was broken. The lies were spoken with such conviction that I believed them. I trusted every word from you. My trust in you was misplaced. At first, the abuse was not recognized. Not by me, not by our friends, not by the closest people to either of us.
I didn’t believe I could be so wrong about someone. There had to be something wrong with me, didn’t there? No one would treat me this way if I didn’t deserve it. Things started small. They were little slights played off as jokes and sarcasm. Sometimes the insults were made to be “affectionate” nicknames.
I didn’t enjoy it. I felt degraded, and I felt mistreated. You made me question my worth. There was no physical abuse, and I didn’t recognize it. How did I miss it? It was a slow build-up. Eventually, I became used to the comments. They made me question my worth, but I thought I could be better. Thinking I could be better was one of the biggest mistakes I made.
You were in my head. How could you? You say you love someone, and that version is love is making them hate themselves. It’s cruel, it’s wrong, and it’s unfortunately not unusual.
Averaging 80% of people have survived psychological abuse. Staying in a psychologically abusive relationship has proven to impact chronic pain, depression, and anxiety. I didn’t think I would be one. It had to be something I would see before it got to that point, and I would leave.
I’m taking back my life. The control you had over me isn’t as prevalent as it once was. The nightmares are common. Could this be real? You never laid a hand on me, but your influence was so strong that it’s in my dreams. You’re in my dreams, and I wake up in fear.
Daily, I wonder if it’s really over. I wonder if you’re ever going to come back. It’s terrifying to me that you’re still out there. There’s nothing I can do, and I know that you’re going to find another victim. If I could save them, I would. Your charisma may be too overpowering, though. The way you speak, the way you make someone feel like they’re the best thing in your life, the way you make people feel incredible.
At times, I miss you, or I miss the idea of you. There were some fun conversations, there were a lot of times we had great conversations, and I felt understood. You were there when I needed someone the most. I thought I needed someone. It took a while, but I recognized I didn’t need anyone. I needed to heal myself.
You knew that, though, didn’t you? Someone working on putting themselves back together must be easy prey for you. Turning to you for safety, for comfort, for happiness. I thought you were a wonderful person, a godsend even. Instead, you were a monster.
You may have impacted my life, but you have no power anymore. Thinking about what you’ve done isn’t going to change what happened. There may be new red flags to look out for, though. You changed my life, but I’m back in charge of myself. You don’t get to be the voice in my head anymore.
You made comments about how much of a catch you are, but you’re nothing more than catching a disease. Something terrible that comes into someone’s life, and you change it, and you’re curable. There are so many people in this world that are better than you, and it took me over a year to realize that I am one of them.
I’m better than you could ever be, and my life without you is peaceful again. I can finally relax and love myself. There may be some cracks in me, but I’m repairing them. You’re gone, and I’m better for it. Now I know I can never go back, and I don’t want to.