There are days when it feels hard to function. Leaving bed can be difficult. Every movement seems to take forever. It feels as though gravity is weighing down every limb. Staying in bed won’t help the depression, though. Doing anything else takes more energy than thought possible.

It shouldn’t take this much energy, should it? Leaving the room can be draining. Talking to anyone is difficult. Eventually, the crying will stop. That doesn’t stop things. When the crying finishes, there’s an overwhelming sense of apathy.

The apathy follows you around. It won’t go away. Running away from it seems impossible. Knowing that I should be feeling more, should be acting upon things more, leads to frustration. Frustration is better than apathy though, isn’t it? The dreariness needs to go away sometime. As long as there’s frustration, at least that’s an emotion. When do the rest come back? Knowing they’ll all hit again. It’s scary to know when that will happen.

The numbness will eventually leave. It has to leave. When the emotions hit, it should be euphoric. It should be therapeutic to feel everything again. The complexity is overwhelming. It’s not as therapeutic as it should be. It’s overwhelming. Struggling with the difficulty of getting through the day is one thing, but when everything comes back? What then? How can anyone deal with everything coming back in at once? 

The possibility of everything hitting at once is terrifying. I can accept that it will come back. I can accept that things are going to be there again. The evidence, the past shows it will come back. I will accept it when it comes back. There’s no reason not to accept things as they are, the truth. When they’re gone, the apathy is beautiful for a bit of time. The calming effect of everything being numb is wonderful. Only at times will it feel this way. After a while, I long for the emotion. I long to feel things.

Going through the motions can be difficult. It gets more painful, it gets too painful to try to push through. I will, though. I’ll always push through until everything is back. 

It’ll happen eventually. It will come back. It won’t stay this way forever, it’s not possible. When they hit all at once, what then? Is it better to stay numb? No, that can’t be the option.

Feeling anything at all is better than nothing. If it were possible, trading the numbness for anything would be perfection. Happiness will come back. It may not be the euphoric feeling, but there will be happiness, there will be calmness. Energy will return. Motivation will come back and everything will be okay. It will be okay.