*Warning*
The story contains thoughts of/attempted suicide

Five nurses, if they could be called that, came for me again later that night. Though they wore scrubs, they held their bodies with an ex-military air. They were far too efficient at holding me down when they needed to.

Now was one of those times as I struggled to avoid taking the blue pill again. At first, I tried to hide it under my tongue, then slide it around to the inside of my check for the under-tongue check. That was the plan, anyway.

“Alright, you know the drill, Violet,” said the nurse with the sideburns and arms thicker than my torso. I went through the routine. Made an emphasized swallow with a gulp of water. I opened my mouth for all gathered ‘round to see.

No pill in my mouth, see? I closed my mouth and pretended I thought the test was over. This bought me some time to switch it to my cheek from under my tongue.

This is when Sideburns roughly grabbed my jaw in his ogre-like fingers. The others swarmed around me like wasps from a nest I had stepped on.

“We told you it is easier for everyone if you just take your medicine, Violet. No more tricks, or the straps come back, yes?” Sideburns said this through clenched teeth. Three of the other nurse-security guard-probably ex-special forces readied the straps and looked at me. The smaller nurse prepared a needle off to the side before turning to face me.

I fucking hated needles.

Just take it, for now, to stay under their radar, Ella said, for my mind alone to hear. I’ll think of something. It seems to wear off for at least a few minutes to an hour before they bring the next dose tomorrow at one after lunch. Ella spoke quickly and nodded, a supporting glance from behind the nurses, still waiting for my reply. I’ll do some recon and see you again, then.

I nodded and grabbed my glass of water, and gulped the pill down in earnest. I lay back and let them thoroughly inspect my mouth again. The smell of latex from their gloves filled my nose.

“Sorry,” I said with my acting face turned on to shame. “I just…you’ve never told me what this is. I trust the doctor to know what’s best for me, but I think it will help my anxiety to also know what I’m taking. Right?”

The doctors looked at each other, then all referred to the petite, mousy nurse holding the needle, which she now held nonchalantly against her hip.

“Well, this will help your anxiety the most, dear. If you must know, it’s a mild sedative to help regulate your sleep patterns and stress hormones, combined with all the vitamins you need to stay healthy. We worry about you, and taking this each day will help, okay?”

Bravo, Mousy! I thought to myself. She wasn’t a half-bad actor herself, especially spewing all the Bolshevik. I nodded back, allowing my face to droop to a relaxed façade, satiated by her answer.

The nurses shuffled out and left me in my hospital bed. The doorknob clicked twice, beeped, and then all was silent.

I looked around the room and was unsurprised not to see Ella. We agreed that this fucking pill must be why I kept losing contact with her.

I rolled over and looked out the small window at the sky. They had moved me to a different room last week after I tried hiding my pill in the leftover food from lunch. I knew they would check my bedpan but didn’t think they’d find it in the apple rind I shoved it into.

Now my room was smaller, with no TV—not that I needed that distraction at the moment, anyway. It had a smaller window the fraction of the size of the old one. It was the size of a book, situated high enough up on the wall. While it allowed rays of sunlight to spill into the room, it was too high to look out of, even standing on my bedside dresser, which I also tried.

I took another gulp of water to wash away the sticky lemon tart from lunch, to little avail. It’s just my luck that desserts repeat for two days before changing their rotation. I have tomorrow to look forward to it again! It wouldn’t have been as bad if they hadn’t started making her eat all of her food. I still don’t know how they found that damn pill.

That’s when I got an idea.

The next day, lunch came around as expected. Mixed vegetables, a rubbery imitation of a dry stake, and the same lemon tart. Plastic cutlery, of course, and the tall glass of lukewarm water I had grown to love. Just kidding, I still hated that too.

Just as the nurses were coming in to take my tray away, Ella was there at my side again.

“We’ll be back with your medicine, Violet,” Mousy called back as she wheeled the food tray cart out of the room. The door clicked and beeped behind her.

It’s the pill! I don’t know how but it blocks your ability to see me,” as Ella said this in a quick panicked voice, I made sure not to look at her and give only the slightest nod.

What’s wrong—can you hear me, Violet?

I can, and I know we were right on the pill. No time, but I think there are cameras. There must be. The only way they could have found the blue pill I hid in the apple.

But wha–?

I have a plan, Ella. The lemon tart sucks ass here, but it’s a good adhesive. I projected this all in my mind while keeping an emotionless face, staring at the empty wall in front of me. Ella smiled in understanding.

Just then, the door reopened with the usual crew. Sideburns threatening to rip out of his scrubs from too much gym time, Mousy with her sharp brown eyes that never missed a damn thing, and three others who wore their usual surgical face-coverings and hair covers. I was pretty sure two of these minor henchmen were men, and one was a woman. Why they covered up, and Sideburns and Mousy didn’t, I wasn’t sure. To remain anonymous? From who, me?

Mousy handed me the paper cup with the fat blue pill in it and sat down on a stool next to the bed. The others lingered back, giving me one more chance to do things the “easy” way.

I gave her a weak smile of thanks, knocked back the pill, and took a gulp of water as practiced.

The trick was practicing my smile in the bedpan for a few minutes during lunch. Mousy “randomly” came in while I was doing that. I explained that I read somewhere that smiling at oneself increased self-esteem and released endorphins. I was trying to convince myself I was happy, I said. And I was happy. Happy that the thick lemon tart was effectively hidden and pasted against the inside of my upper teeth by the end of lunch.

Now was the time for the reveal. Ella held her breath, though I’m not sure she even needed to breathe in the first place, as I opened my mouth. Lifted my tongue and turned to both sides for Mousy to inspect my mouth with a little flashlight this time.

She nodded in approval, and I stifled a triumphant smile as they all filtered back out of the room and took away my empty food tray.

Click, click. Beep, BEEP.

Ella exhaled with a dramatic slump of her shoulders. I restrained myself to an exhale of relief that wouldn’t be spotted on the camera. Wherever it was.

You did it?! Still stuck behind your teeth, yeah? Ella exclaimed as she twirled around the room in a new white summer dress.

Alright. So, what’s next? What did you find out about an escape? I asked Ella, who slowed her spin to a halt and turned serious.

Well, I followed your nurses around a bit. Sideburns end his shift at 9 PM, Mousy at 1 AM, and the other three—

Ella jumped as the door behind her clicked and beeped open, revealing Dr. Ross.

My heart jumped into my throat, shat itself, and dove back down into hiding.

Stay cool, stay cool. I thought to myself as well as Ella, who began pacing around the room in circles around the approaching doctor.

“Hello Violet, how are you feeling today?”

“I’m fine. Better, I mean.”

The doctor studied me with those unnerving, piercing blue eyes behind a stony face. He then smiled.

“Well, that’s what we like to hear. Good, good.”

I have a bad feeling about this, Vi.

Agreed.

“I have a different pill for you today, Violet.”

My heart, covered in its own shit and shivering behind my ribcage, froze as the doctor took out a fat red pill from his inside jacket.

“A red pill? You’re joking, right?”

The doctor looked back sternly, the pill on his outstretched palm before me.

“What, are you fucking Morpheus or something? First the blue, now the red? If I take both, won’t that like—I don’t know, unplug me from the Matrix and plug me back in or some shit?” My mouth was moving, apparently buying time for the other part of my mind and Ella to think of some way out of this.

The doctor still saw no humor in my awesome Matrix joke. Ella and I frantically argued in my head.

Can you stick it next to the blue one?

No, no space. Fuck, I can try, but…

Try the tongue trick again, now that the nurses aren’t here?

No, he would have heard about that. He’ll be looking there.

I looked into those damn eyes again and saw a dangerous glint there, which sent ice through my veins.

“Fine. At least tell me what it is, then.” The doctor smiled at my demand as if I was in any position to demand more than a fart these days.

“This one will help you see things more clearly. It may also make you feel a bit happier, Violet. We only want you to get better.”

“I am better!” I shouted before taking a deep breath.

“I’m sorry for shouting.”

Click click, beep, BEEP.

“Everything okay in here, doctor?”

Fuck off, Sideburns.

“Yes, Jermain, thank you. You may leave us,” the doctor calmly said without turning to the door. His eyes stayed on me. Nothing moved. The smile. The hand with the pill.

I nodded, feigning resignation as I took the fat gel pill from him.

Careful…Ella thought, though like me, unsure of what would happen or how to avoid it.

I tried what I had earlier with the blue pill, though I knew I would fail. I made the emphasized gulp with the water while trying to stick the red pill next to the blue one behind my teeth. No, go.

Can’t do it! No room! Don’t wanna’ lose the blue. Don’t wanna lose you!

Panicked resignation flooded through me as the red pill swam down my throat.

Fuck.

I opened my mouth for the doctor to inspect as the others did, though he stayed seated, inspecting my eyes.

“I trust you, Violet,” his mouth said as his eyes seemed to x-ray my throat in live time and confirm the red pill was swallowed.

Stay calm. Deep breaths, Vi.

Do you feel different?

“Of course, I feel different! I’m in this fuckin’ prison cell being experimented on like a damn monkey, and nobody’s come to see me. Not that I thought she would have, anyway.”

The doctor smiled and cocked his head. I had just said that out loud instead of in my head.

Shit.

“Let’s start with some questions, shall we?” Dr. Ross took out his notebook.