I was talking with family about what to get for dinner, and suddenly all these examples of how companies misuse the English language started popping up. Some are easy to chuckle at and some you just groan and shake your head.

The Super Soaker

I get what they were aiming for, but, to me, it sounds like you are saying it can put out a fire as well as be a squirt gun. They could have called it the water master and with the commercials still outsold the competition. Instead of sounding like they could put out more than 800 gallons of water per minute (as my father claimed one of the tanker trucks in Gorham, ME could).

Filet ‘O Fish

This is the original McDonald’s McFish. It is half a filet and not a full filet. McFish is more honest, and it is still tasty.

Jamaican Beef Patty

I’m not sure what someone was smoking at 7-Eleven when they came up with the Jamaican Beef Patty. It tastes like a soft-shell taco.

Cat Condos

I’m not sure whether it is the inventor of the cat condo or makers of modern cat condos to blame for the mis-naming. A Condo is a one- or two-story apartment. Cat condos, on the other hand, are giant towers for cats. Cat Towers seems more appropriate.

Whopper

I didn’t forget about Burger King with their Whopper, which is now the standard for most eateries’ cheeseburgers. When something is a “whopper” it is supposed to be huge. At a quarter pound, that doesn’t fit. A half-pound would fit the title better, with the Jr. version being a quarter pound, and the smaller version (that is currently the Jr. version) being the mini.

Hot Pockets

Really, there’s nothing bad about them other than they are not pockets. Pockets are something you store things in and retrieve them from. I get that stuffed bread doesn’t sound cool, but it is not a pocket. Unless you are marketing to Physics students.

Firewood

Firewood is not necessarily a company’s fault, but more a societal one since it isn’t some special wood for the fire. It’s just wood that is cut to look better in a fire. I’m not sure if we use it so we can charge more or less for it.

Dishwasher

Dishwashers for a long time should have been called dishrinsers since all they basically did was rinse the dishes. You always had to wash the dishes before putting them into the dishwasher, which defeated the whole purpose. Thankfully, technology has brought them a long way.

The Golden Knights

I get that Las Vegas wants to have a cool name for their NHL team, but Golden Knights and ice do not mix. Ironically, the other destructive teams are all from Canada and the remaining one would just be funny to see on the ice. That is just off the top of my head, though.

The Raptors

You would think with a name like Raptors, an NBA team, they would have a lot of fouls but win games via forfeit since the opposing team would run out of players. This is assuming you have seen any of the Jurassic Park movies.

I’m not against originality. I just think sometimes people sprint instead of running a marathon when coming up with product or team names. In the English language, that is a major no-no. They need to remember if it is going to make money it will, whether it has a gimmicky name or a proper name, and that with a proper name it will make more money over the long-term. I’ll save the economics lesson for another time and place, though.

The important thing is people need to stop abusing the English language before it gets too out of control. Well, it might have already, but I’m going to walk away before I start in about Star Destroyers and the whole Death Star thing.