Coffee House Writers

Top Menu

Main Menu

  • Home
  • Article Categories
    • Creativity
    • Culture
    • Design
    • Family
    • Fashion
    • Fiction
    • Food
    • Environment
    • Health
    • Home
    • Lifestyle
    • Memories
    • Nonfiction
    • Poetry
    • Politics
    • Relationships
    • Sports
    • Style
    • Technology
    • Travel
  • About Us
    • Our Story
    • Our Founder
  • Meet Our Admin
    • Chief Editors
    • Editors
    • Poetry Editors
    • Advertising Team
    • Recruiting Team
  • Testimonials
  • Apply
  • Login

logo

Coffee House Writers

  • Home
  • Article Categories
    • Creativity
    • Culture
    • Design
    • Family
    • Fashion
    • Fiction
    • Food
    • Environment
    • Health
    • Home
    • Lifestyle
    • Memories
    • Nonfiction
    • Poetry
    • Politics
    • Relationships
    • Sports
    • Style
    • Technology
    • Travel
  • About Us
    • Our Story
    • Our Founder
  • Meet Our Admin
    • Chief Editors
    • Editors
    • Poetry Editors
    • Advertising Team
    • Recruiting Team
  • Testimonials
  • Apply
  • Login
  • Calm Seas

  • Dreams Change: Life Continues

  • Gardening: The Ultimate Stress-Relieving Activity for Better Health

  • Visiting the Arboretum

  • The King

  • Time

  • Mr. Keith’s House – Part VI

  • I’ll Never Live Up to the Call

  • Skinchangers Chapter 2.2

  • Behind Your Mirror

  • A Gap In Time – 1

  • Saying Goodbye to NCIS: Los Angeles After 14 Years

  • Love’s Cut

  • A New York Summer

  • Welcome to Hell: How Can I Help You?

  • Paradise Falls: Chapter 1

  • Cloaked Miracles, Part 3

  • A New Home

  • Unlock Your Hidden Potential: How to Tackle an Extraordinary Challenge with Ease

  • Appreciate Your Talent

  • Writing With ADHD: How Hard Could it be?

  • Southern Ways – Part 1

  • Skinchangers Chapter 2.1

  • The Book

  • The Familiar Mask

  • The Mystery of Cash Castle: Part 14

  • Shivering Leaves

  • Calming the Chaos of the Heavy Mental Load

  • Paradise Falls: Prologue

  • May Flowers

CultureFamilyRelationshipsMemoriesEnvironmentHomeHealth
Home›Culture›My Battle With Manic Depression

My Battle With Manic Depression

By Sarah Dowell
November 26, 2018
859
0
Share:
My Battle With Manic Depression
Photo courtesy of Tiago Bandiera courtesy of Unsplash

***Trigger Warning:***

Suicidal Ideation

“Congratulations, you found something to live for. You’re effed now.” – This is a text from a friend in a conversation we had the other night. I was having an anxiety attack and didn’t want to exist anymore. I told him the reasons I couldn’t act on anything. His text may seem calloused, but it was what I needed to see during the struggle I was facing, at that moment.

A year ago, I started my business and gained several clients. I was in a world of happiness and networking with people. Everything was in order, and I thought that was the direction I wanted to go with my life. I would consider this the manic point. Two months ago, I felt burnt out, like I fried my brain. It felt like I was going in the wrong direction.

That’s when the depression kicked into overdrive. I would spend days at a time in bed, watching pointless, brainless TV shows, and reading book after book. The reading wasn’t the bad part; it was that I was going nowhere. I was doing nothing. Depression was at an all-time high, and there was no motivation.

I couldn’t figure out where the depression was coming from. It felt, as if, it was a sense of helplessness. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t know where I wanted to go with anything. I don’t even know if I was unhappy, as I do now.

It might make no sense, but I was even too depressed to get up and see my therapist for a month – because I had no motivation to go. I was emotional and emotionless all at once. Half the time I would feel every emotion until my anxiety paralyzed me, the other half the time, I would feel apathetic.

I gave up on my passions. I gave up trying in my business, my writing, on friendships, and maintaining relationships. The relationships that were “maintained” stayed that way because those people would contact me first. I felt alone and miserable but didn’t know how to change it. In part, it was, as if, I didn’t want to change it.

Letting people in, allowing them to care, accepting love has always been a huge struggle for me. It’s been difficult for as long as I can remember. It’s been a constant struggle to accept there are people out there that could care – without expecting something in return. Major tie into trust issues – it also creates anger and frustration with people that don’t deserve it.

I’ve realized my life is full of self-sabotage and pushing away people who matter to me. If someone can elicit emotion from me, or if the thought of losing them hurts, I’ll push them away. I don’t allow good things to happen because I’m always waiting for the downfall. I’ve spent my entire life waiting for the other foot to drop when something good is happening in my life. I’ve spent my entire life running away, never allowing people to get close to me.

I’ve been letting that change. I’ve been trying to accept people aren’t always going to destroy me. They’re not always going to hurt me, and they’re not always going to abandon me. It’s been a battle to accept I’m worth loving and people do care about me and my well-being. This struggle has been one of the hardest that I’ve gone through. It’s been an emotional battle, but the constant running has been exhausting.

Everyone should take a moment to realize this – even through depression, anxiety, frustration, etc., there are those who care. Running away isn’t the answer to all the issues out there. Pushing people away is harmful and can cause the negativity to build. My advice – keep your head held high. Keep pushing on, and accept you’re worth more to others than you know.
The world can be a dark place, but there will always be a light. There’s always something to live for. And there is good in the world, once you look for it.

If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide,

call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255,

text Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or call 911

TagsRelationshipsManic DepressionAnxietySuicidal IdeationMental HealthDepressionlove
Previous Article

Digital Benchmarks: SEO – Basic Content Structure

Next Article

What Should the Washington Wizards Do?

0
Shares
  • 0
  • +
  • 0
  • 0
  • 0
  • 0

Sarah Dowell

Just a girl from the midwest with a lifelong passion for writing.

Related articles More from author

  • EntertainmentCultureEnvironmentCreativityHealthRelationshipsFood

    LET’S CELEBRATE!

    February 18, 2019
    By Pamela Acker
  • Dining area
    FictionHomeEntertainmentCreativityFamilyRelationships

    The Red Maiden, Part Four

    September 21, 2020
    By Scarlett Faye
  • CreativityMemoriesUncategorizedMusicCulture

    To The Teacher Who Didn’t Give Me A Chance

    January 15, 2018
    By Cait Marie
  • Angel gravestone
    RomanceCreativityFamilyRelationshipsPoetryMemoriesHomeCultureEntertainment

    An Angel Among Us

    December 20, 2021
    By Scarlett Faye
  • Moon peaking among branches
    CreativityPoetryLifestyle

    Illumination and Liberation

    February 13, 2023
    By Aviva Derenowski
  • Kevin-Muller
    EntertainmentCreativityHealthRelationshipsPoetry

    Death Comes For Us All

    May 25, 2020
    By Jordan Melvin

Leave a reply Cancel reply

You may be interested

  • Young girl. Childhood, springtime
    EntertainmentCreativityFiction

    She’s Hopeless

  • FictionCultureMediaCreativity

    House Sitting Ad: Part I

  • RelationshipsLifestyleCultureFamily

    RAINBOW

Timeline

  • June 5, 2023

    Calm Seas

  • June 5, 2023

    Dreams Change: Life Continues

  • June 5, 2023

    Gardening: The Ultimate Stress-Relieving Activity for Better Health

  • June 5, 2023

    Visiting the Arboretum

  • June 5, 2023

    The King

Latest Comments

  • Ivor Steven
    on
    June 8, 2023
    Thank you kind words, I appreciate your enthusiasm for my poem

    Behind Your Mirror

  • D.Y. Freeman
    on
    June 6, 2023
    I really love this poem. Well written, well done!

    Behind Your Mirror

  • Ivor Steven
    on
    June 1, 2023
    A wonderfully thought provoking poem Ynes … "You may never know what results of your actions, ...

    I’ll Never Live Up to the Call

  • Behind Your Mirror, Is in this weeks Coffee House Magazine – Ivor.Plumber/Poet
    on
    May 29, 2023
    […] Hello dear readers and followers, I am now back writing for “Coffee House Writers” magazine, ...

    Behind Your Mirror

  • Qalupalik: Child-Snatching Water Hag Of Inuit Folklore – LoreThrill
    on
    May 18, 2023
    […] - Astonishing Legends Alaska’s Qalupalik - Coffee House Writers The Inuit Sea Monster, The Qalupalik ...

    Alaska’s Qalupalik

Find us on Facebook

About us

  • coffeehousewriters3@gmail.com

Follow us

© Copyright 2018-2023 Coffee House Writers. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s administrator and owner is strictly prohibited.