My Battle With Manic Depression

Trigger Warning:

Suicidal Ideation

“Congratulations, you found something to live for. You’re effed now.” – This is a text from a friend in a conversation we had the other night. I was having an anxiety attack and didn’t want to exist anymore. I told him the reasons I couldn’t act on anything. His text may seem calloused, but it was what I needed to see during the struggle I was facing, at that moment.

A year ago, I started my business and gained several clients. I was in a world of happiness and networking with people. Everything was in order, and I thought that was the direction I wanted to go with my life. I would consider this the manic point. Two months ago, I felt burnt out, like I fried my brain. It felt like I was going in the wrong direction.

That’s when the depression kicked into overdrive. I would spend days at a time in bed, watching pointless, brainless TV shows, and reading book after book. The reading wasn’t the bad part; it was that I was going nowhere. I was doing nothing. Depression was at an all-time high, and there was no motivation.

I couldn’t figure out where the depression was coming from. It felt, as if, it was a sense of helplessness. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t know where I wanted to go with anything. I don’t even know if I was unhappy, as I do now.

It might make no sense, but I was even too depressed to get up and see my therapist for a month – because I had no motivation to go. I was emotional and emotionless all at once. Half the time I would feel every emotion until my anxiety paralyzed me, the other half the time, I would feel apathetic.

I gave up on my passions. I gave up trying in my business, my writing, on friendships, and maintaining relationships. The relationships that were “maintained” stayed that way because those people would contact me first. I felt alone and miserable but didn’t know how to change it. In part, it was, as if, I didn’t want to change it.

Letting people in, allowing them to care, accepting love has always been a huge struggle for me. It’s been difficult for as long as I can remember. It’s been a constant struggle to accept there are people out there that could care – without expecting something in return. Major tie into trust issues – it also creates anger and frustration with people that don’t deserve it.

I’ve realized my life is full of self-sabotage and pushing away people who matter to me. If someone can elicit emotion from me, or if the thought of losing them hurts, I’ll push them away. I don’t allow good things to happen because I’m always waiting for the downfall. I’ve spent my entire life waiting for the other foot to drop when something good is happening in my life. I’ve spent my entire life running away, never allowing people to get close to me.

I’ve been letting that change. I’ve been trying to accept people aren’t always going to destroy me. They’re not always going to hurt me, and they’re not always going to abandon me. It’s been a battle to accept I’m worth loving and people do care about me and my well-being. This struggle has been one of the hardest that I’ve gone through. It’s been an emotional battle, but the constant running has been exhausting.

Everyone should take a moment to realize this – even through depression, anxiety, frustration, etc., there are those who care. Running away isn’t the answer to all the issues out there. Pushing people away is harmful and can cause the negativity to build. My advice – keep your head held high. Keep pushing on, and accept you’re worth more to others than you know.
The world can be a dark place, but there will always be a light. There’s always something to live for. And there is good in the world, once you look for it.