When I look in the mirror, I want to smash it. A broken mirror is said to bring years of bad luck. Maybe, in my case, it can put an end to the spell. I don’t recognize the girl standing in front of me when I look into it. Recognizing myself has become more difficult over the years.

As a child, there was a smile when I looked in the mirror. The smile has dissipated as the years have passed. It’s not hard to pretend it’s there, though. Pretending is all I can give on many days. In my dreams, I still smile. Sometimes I wish I could stay asleep. Dreams are better than reality.

I want to live in my dreams. Erase the past trauma, erase the nightmares of current life. The mirror tells the truth. I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t feel intelligent, funny, interesting. I don’t see positive traits that others have seen in me. People are great storytellers. That can’t be all it is, can it?

Why can’t I see what they see? If the glass were shattered, perhaps it would be easier. My perception of myself is skewed. It’s difficult to understand where I’m at in my own life. Directionless, lost, a shell of the person I once was. What if I could go back and change all of the decisions that lead me to this point in life?

Movies tell stories like that, and I know reality isn’t a movie. “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” comes with a horrifyingly beautiful idea. If I could forget, pick people in my life to spot erase. The good memories wouldn’t be completely lost, but some people would be gone. Thinking of them hurts. I spend too much time thinking of them.

The negative energy in the air is infuriating. Memories shouldn’t be lost. They shape who we are. If there was a way to rewrite memories, erase people from them, would that be a viable option? It may seem to be an option, but the good times and bad times have shaped me into who I am.

Depression is a reality, and I don’t know who I would be if there weren’t negative feelings. Going through the bad times has given me a greater appreciation for the good. Eliminating parts of my life, dramas, and sadness would create an entirely different person. I don’t know that I would feel real, though.

Even the difficult parts of life have played a part. Releasing the anger related to the past is the only way to free myself. I can’t change the past, but I long for freedom. I want to look back and see the times for what they were. Every person that has left, each situation that’s gone in an unexpected direction, has been surrounded by good experiences.

Letting go of the negativity, breaking the dark glass is the only way I see myself changing. Changing into a more positive, confident, happier person is a goal. It won’t happen overnight. Letting go of negativity won’t happen in one swoop. Piece by piece, allowing myself to see the good times instead of seeing them shrouded by darkness, is the best way to free myself.

I do not need the people that have left me to know I’m doing better. They aren’t necessary in my life anymore and are gone for a reason. I’m thankful for them. Memories were shared, and everyone has taught me a different lesson.

Pitying myself and holding onto resentment won’t change the situations that exist. The past is in the past, and it was real. Life is too short for could’ve, should’ve, would’ve. Living in the past won’t bring my smile back, but I can do it without going back. My smile is mine, and I’m the only one that can bring it back.

No more looking into the mirror of the past to find the smile. I have found peace within myself, and it is beautiful.