Just between you and me,

I cried yesterday. People say I’m too emotional and I’m the kind of person that you don’t want to take to a sad movie because when the minute the main character dies, I’m in tears.  I know they are probably wondering why I’m making such a big deal about it.

I cried yesterday because everything is hitting me so fast.  I honestly never thought I’d make it to this point and I’m honestly really scared.

I’m afraid that I won’t make it. I’m afraid that my anxiety will get the better of me. I’m no stranger to late nights crying alone in bed wondering how long it’s going to take me to screw up. People say that anxiety is the opposite of depression. But for me, they feed off each other. I spend so much time thinking about the “what-if”s. I feel like I’m constantly messing everything up. I feel like I’m never good enough. I feel like my employer doesn’t think I’m good at my job, even though there’s no evidence to support this.

The fear that I have about everything in life makes me question whether or not I’m ever going to amount to anything and then I become depressed.

I wonder if I can trust my friends or if they’re only hanging out with me because they have ulterior motives. I have been subject to a lot of shady friends who have spent years walking all over me and now I question the validity of every relationship I enter into. I haven’t had a boyfriend in two years and I’ve been the victim of manipulation and abuse in many dating relationships. Now I feel as if I will never be comfortable with another person again. I feel like I did something to deserve that kind of treatment, and the idea of never being lovable makes me sad.

My disability makes it difficult for me to feel like people aren’t staring at me. I’m not sure how to deal with that feeling, even though I’ve been in this type of position my entire life. Whenever I wear a bikini and you can see all my scars, I feel so exposed I literally just want to cry. This is why I never want to go to the beach or the swimming pool.

I feel that my disability makes it difficult for people to think I’m intelligent. The feeling that people are looking down on me makes me question my ability to get a real job, even though I found one that I would love to have.

I’m afraid of not being able to support myself, making me have to depend on my parents forever, which will, in turn, make it difficult for me to have a family.

These thoughts make me very sad.

This is what anxiety looks like. Please don’t ever say it doesn’t matter.