In any relationship, there are times when discussions erupt. Opposing viewpoints clash, and some sort of middle ground needs to found in order for peace to be restored. At least, that is what a disagreement in a respectful and mature relationship will do. The fact is that in life you will never get everything you want. Compromise is inevitable. But compromise seems to be a lost art amongst the population these days.

One of the principles my parents taught me is that communication is the key to success. If you haven’t noticed a lack of true communication in our current society, then you haven’t been paying attention. What is in evidence now are emotional responses, lack of respect for each other, and a rise in cancellation culture. We don’t talk about our issues; we react emotionally, irrationally, and many times, violently.

A growing trend in the last several years is the term: “I’m allowed to…” then you can fill in the blank with any number of thoughts. That statement should never be used during a disagreement.

1. It Expresses Entitlement, Not Maturity

As a mom, I can’t help but picture a spoiled young child, stomping their foot in irritation whenever I hear or read the words, “I’m allowed to….!” The real message is that since the person is “allowed to” feel or do or say whatever, then too bad for everyone else. This is a selfish inclination. It is a term of entitlement. There is no interest in extending olive branches or reaching to accept one that is offered. “I’m allowed to” is slapping the branch out of the other person’s hand and refusing any pragmatic and reasonable solution.

2. It’s A Wall, Not A Truth

Discussions about opposing viewpoints and opinions can be a wonderful method of exchanging ideas and broadening your own perspective. It is a source of personal and intellectual growth. However, if both parties are not involved, then it is a one-way, dead-end path. It is not helpful or productive. “I’m allowed to…” means the other person has put up a wall and has no intention of contributing to the discussion. It is a total and complete dialogue killer. “I’m allowed to…” prevents any of the productive give and take in the discussion. The lines of communication are quickly and effectively cut.

3. It’s Blocked Ears, Not An Open Mind

I call it an unteachable spirit. “I’m allowed to…” means the person is not willing to hear anything that veers from their own personal narrative of a situation. Recently, someone commented about feeling attacked by someone else’s comments. After hearing the whole story, I pointed out that she brought the attack on by instigating the whole incident. This person said, “I’m allowed to say how I feel!”. What was there left to say? I could have argued that she commented on feeling attacked publicly. Didn’t that mean I was allowed to respond? Or is “I’m allowed to…” simply a form of one-sided venting? Either way, the statement effectively shut down communication. She didn’t want to hear reason or logic. She closed her ears to any kind of unbiased instruction. She used “I’m allowed to say how I feel” as a bookend to the narrative. Her ears were blocked, and I chose not to cast my pearls before swine.

So, whenever I hear the words “I’m allowed to…” come out in a discussion, I cringe. It is the earmark of an immature and entitled person who just wants everyone to know how they feel. It shows selfishness. That person has no interest in reaching an amicable solution. “I’m allowed to…” means they are unteachable. They don’t care if they are wrong, and they certainly don’t want to be advised in any way. We live in a day and age where people basically live in their own bubbles. They are entitled, immature, unreasonable, and they want to remain that way. It may seem harsh to say so, but I choose to point it out, anyway.

I’m allowed to.

Featured photo courtesy of Etty Fidele on Unsplash.