Broken Promises – Part Three will return in two weeks. In today’s climate, I felt this story would have a greater impact.

***TRIGGER WARNING: Child abuse, alcoholism.***

This is a true story.

Several years ago, I was attending a Breast Cancer walk in San Diego, California. Twenty miles a day for three days was an exhausting, but exhilarating, experience. There were security details on various corners throughout the route. They also had refreshment tents set up along the way. At one of these rest areas, I had the pleasure of meeting one man in charge of our safety. His name is Big John.

Big John has an enormous smile. He stands over six feet tall. His arms are bigger than my legs. He gives tight hugs and soft high fives. Everyone who comes across Big John loves him instantly. His personality, infectious.

Several months after this event, I received a phone call from one of my fellow walkers. She began with, “I know you’re a writer. Would you be in the market to help a friend of mine with his life story?”

“A memoir?” I questioned.

“Something like that. His story is remarkable, and he feels if he can influence one person by telling his story, it would be worth it.”

Intrigued, I had no idea what to expect. She gave me his phone number to set up a meeting. “His name is John, but everyone calls him Big John. When you meet him, you’ll understand.” I didn’t make the connection. After all, there is more than one person who has a nickname with ‘big’ in it.

I phoned Big John, and we set up a meeting for the following day. He wanted me to feel safe, so he suggested we meet at a local restaurant. I arrived early with my tape recorder, writing pad, and favorite pen. I choose a booth in the back of the restaurant for privacy.

When he walked into the room, I immediately understood how he got his nickname. Not only that, but I also recognized him from the security team at the Breast Cancer walk. I stood up to greet him and shake his hand. “Oh, no,” he said to me. “I don’t shake hands, I’m a hugger.” 

My head came up to his stomach. I could smell his cologne on his shirt. This wasn’t a wimpy hug. His arms were powerful as he hugged me. As I stepped back and looked into his smiling face, I told him how excited I was to help him with his story.

Once we sat down, we both ordered coffee. I explained I wanted to record our meetings so I could remember the details. I also would take notes. I did not comprehend the emotional ride I was about to take when Big John began telling his story. Following is only a small portion of the details Big John discussed with me on that day back in 2014.

* * * * *

Growing up on the streets of Los Angeles was anything but fun for Big John. His mother, whom he loves dearly to this day, was abusive and an alcoholic. But according to Big John, she’s the only mother he has or ever will have. Because Big John’s mother couldn’t hold a job, they lived with his grandmother. Both women were on welfare and most of their money went towards booze or cigarettes; food wasn’t plentiful.

Big John remembers the day he ran away from home. He was seven.

For money, he would roam the parking lot of a grocery store and ask women if they needed help loading their groceries into their car. He bought food with the tips he received. At night, he slept in an alley close to the store. One Latina woman, who purchased her groceries on a daily basis, befriended this small boy. She always tipped him for helping her. On this one particular day, she saw he hadn’t had a bath in a while. She invited him to her home for a hot meal and a bath. In conversation, Big John told her his mother had died and his father was in prison. Upon thinking he was an orphan, this beautiful soul took him in and gave him shelter.

Big John lived with her family for over a year, continuing to go to work every day at the grocery store parking lot. He would save half of his earnings for himself and would give the other half to his new family. One morning, Big John was walking to the grocery store when he noticed he was being followed by an LAPD patrol car. As he approached the parking lot, the police officer got out of his car and walked over to him. The police officer asked him his name. When Big John replied, the officer tipped his hat and said, “Well, I’ll be, son. I’ve been looking for you for over a year. You’ve got your mamma sick with worry. Now you need to come with me.”  Upon hearing the officer tell him he needed to go with him, Big John became anxious. He pleaded with the officer not to take him back to his mother. But the officer had to do his duty, which was to reunite mother and son.

At the police station, Big John continued to plead with him not to send him back to his mom. He told the officer his mother drank too much and picked up strange men who would then have their way with him when she passed out. The officer was sympathetic but still called his mother. Standing on the steps of the police station, as his mother came into view, Big John wet himself. This made the police officer take notice. He realized Big John was telling the truth. The officer bent down and whispered in his ear. He told Big John if he ever needed his help, he would be there to help him. He told him if any of his mother’s boyfriends laid a hand on him again, he was to call him.

Used to being on his own now, Big John started hanging out with the wrong boys. He started stealing cars, doing drugs, and having sex. It wasn’t long before Big John’s criminal career caught up with him and he went to prison for a crime he admitted doing. For two years, Big John sat in his cell reading books and working out. He got his high school diploma while in prison, longing for the day of his release.

Once Big John completed his prison term, high school diploma in hand, it was hard for him to find work. While he was locked up, his grandmother had passed away, so when he served his sentence, he had nowhere to go. He didn’t have much money but was able to find a seedy hotel to sleep in until he found employment. Because of his size, Big John found a job as a bouncer at a strip club.

Big John’s mother had moved out of California and settled in Baltimore, Maryland. Still on welfare, she found a man to marry her, but their drinking always ended up in violent fights. Big John loved his mother, but he was glad she was far away.

John was able to save money and move into an apartment. Not long after, he met a girl, fell in love, and they had a child — a little girl whom he adored. His life seemed to be heading in the right direction.

His marriage soon dissolved and his ex-wife took off with his daughter. Big John didn’t have much to say about the raising of his daughter throughout the years, and when she turned sixteen, she became pregnant. Her mother, not wanting to raise another child, threw her out of the house. His daughter came to live with him. Big John knew it was a sign from God. Now he would have his chance to make a difference in his daughter’s life. There were conditions she would need to follow if she was to stay with him. He stressed to her the importance of getting an education, so she re-enrolled in high school, graduated, and then attended college, as a single mom, and with the love and support of her father.

Big John’s experience as a poor black child, growing up in the ghettos of Los Angeles, and later turning to a life of crime doesn’t seem to be a unique experience for poor Black Americans but more on the typical side of life, especially where he grew up. Big John didn’t have too many positive experiences with family life and, though he turned to street gangs for acceptance, he learned his lesson in prison.

He decided he wanted more out of life and determined, after his release, to live a normal life. His marriage ended in divorce shortly after his daughter was born, so he didn’t play a large role in her life. After she became pregnant and her mother disowned her, Big John could set his daughter on a path for future success to break the pattern of what he thought would be her destiny.

With Big John’s mother and grandmother being an alcoholic and his drug use history, he realized it would be up to him to refrain from anything that would affect him from the neck up. He knows he is one of the lucky ones as he has seen many of his ‘brothers’ never pull themselves up from the horrors of drug abuse or alcohol. Big John deals with this by attending AA meetings and helping others. He involves himself with many good causes. Because of his size, he plays a security role in events such as breast cancer and MS walks, and other similar events.

Big John believes with more Black American women attending college, the experiences of their livelihood will change. By coaching his daughter to continue her education to make a better life for herself and her baby daughter, Big John feels it will extinguish the pattern of his family experience. He is confident his granddaughter will have a better life because of the efforts of his daughter. Big John feels if more Black Americans took advantage of the opportunities given to them today, it might change the lives of the next generation.

* * * * *

Today, Big John is an entrepreneur and runs his own security company. He no longer has to work as a bouncer. He continues to be a positive influence for not only his daughter, who graduated from college and now works as a nurse, but also his granddaughter, who he feels now has a chance for a successful life. He is a pillar in his community, admired by many.

Big John is living proof family dynamics can change with persistence and love. He knows three lives are better off because of his efforts.

* * * * *

Big John’s story affected my life. Though our backgrounds are no way similar, I can only imagine how horrible his living conditions must have been for a seven-year-old to run away from home. There were times during this meeting when I cried with him. I felt his pain. I heard the pride in his voice when he spoke of his accomplishments. I witnessed his face light up whenever he mentioned his daughter, and the enormous smile on his face as he spoke about the birth of his granddaughter and the ability to remain a positive influence for her.

His message is one of hope and determination. He refused to allow his color, his past, or his size deter him from his goals. He decided he would change, and he did. His story is powerful. The more people who read it, the more people he hopes it will help.

Though we tried to get together a few more times, our schedules never allowed it. I know there is more to Big John than meets the eye. I hope he can find someone who will do his story justice. I hope I have.