Some find peace within silence, enjoying time alone with their thoughts to appreciate all that reminds them about the beauty of life. That contentment is like a calm breeze dancing by during a warm summer night. It feels safe, grounding you when the world feels just a little too wild.

On the other hand, my silence is different. I’m stuck on a small, cracked boat in the middle of the sea, an unstable storm roars in the background as I try to stay afloat. The waves of intense fears crash into this already frail and damaged vessel, leaving me to spiral and wonder which wave will finally topple me over.

The silence calls to these thoughts, leaving them to swirl around my head while my demons whisper vile things into my ears. My stomach churns and my heart aches as I desperately tune them out, to no avail. It’s a cracked CD playing on repeat, making it harder to shatter the cycle of self-hate deeply rooted within me.

Silence haunts my nightmares. Right beside my fear of the unknown future and the terror of ending up alone because of my self-imposed inadequacies. They eat away at my soul like birds picking at the carcass of their prey, leaving only sharp, jagged bones behind.

I crave the peace that comes with silence, the answer to this hell. To be alone in the serenity of nature without a stream of cognitive thoughts racing by non-stop. No voices or doubts ruining my inner peace. Just the beauty of life around me. My simple wish for anyone with this experience. 

Perhaps one day, I will conquer this challenge. I’ll reclaim my peace, allowing my spirit to heal from the trauma of my past. Until then, I must continue on, co-existing with this turmoil as I direct myself onto the path of healing. Then maybe, I’ll be able to love the silent moments once more.

Editor: Shannon Hensley