I have a tough job. Many say it’s the most difficult job out there. It’s demanding. It’s time-consuming. It’s thankless. And I don’t mean my career. I’m a parent. 

Well, I’m a step-parent. They say parenting is the most difficult job there is, but I would add that step-parenting is just as, if not more, difficult. There may not be books that have all the answers to parenting, but if you’re about to have a baby, there are plenty of resources out there to help you prepare. There’s really nothing that helps you prepare to be a step-parent. 

And if you’re the partner of the non-primary parent, things can seem even harder.

No one tells you how frustrated you’re going to be when your routine has to shift. You suddenly have an extra family member, but that person is only there for a weekend or a few months. You got used to your schedule working one way, and now it has to change. Not only do you have to consider you and your spouse’s careers and activities, but you also have to consider a child’s. If you’ve never had to do it…man, those first few times are extra hard.

No one tells you how to deal with the ex. Some people have a great relationship with the ex, and co-parenting is a breeze. Others are not so lucky. Not only are you trying to teach this child how to operate in this additional home, but you’re battling the rules, structure, and discipline (or lack of) from the other—primary—home. Sometimes there’s pushback, both from the child and the other parent. It can be exhausting. And sometimes it makes it feel like you aren’t allowed to treat that child as if he or she is also yours. 

No one tells you how much you’re going to care. We have had some issues between educational concerns, parenting styles, and the fact that we live in a different state than she does. It’s gotten frustrating. But you don’t get frustrated if you don’t care. I always thought it wouldn’t affect me. After all, it’s his kid, right? Wrong. I get just as worked up as he does. I want what’s best for her, too: to grow into herself and for her to be a strong, smart, independent person. 

No one tells you how it can change your perspective. When I divorced, I said I wouldn’t date anyone with kids because I didn’t like kids. I didn’t want kids. Clearly, God had different plans. Being a step-parent has made me see family from the parent’s perspective, and it’s opened my heart. (It’s also made me apologize to my own parents for what I must have been like as a kid.) I don’t exactly have a “mom instinct,” but there’s something kind of sweet about her calling me “mommy” and the way it pulls at my heart.

You hear great stories. You hear horror stories. Each person’s experience is different. It depends on the previous relationship. It depends on the kid. It depends on your relationship. So how do you handle all these things no one can prepare you for?

Communicate with your partner. Do you have a boundary that makes you feel more comfortable? Tell your partner, and have him or her help you establish and maintain that boundary with the child. Are you afraid? Upset? Happy? Be sure to communicate these feelings to your partner. They can’t help you navigate this new life if you don’t tell them what’s on your mind.

Don’t hesitate to ask questions. Need help? Ask your friends, ones with and without children. You will gain different perspectives, and it can help you gather information before making a decision or even before you beat yourself up for something you did or didn’t do.

Use your “toolkit.” Think of how you were raised. If you remember something your parents did that you felt worked, try it. (Within reason, of course.) Did you react one way for that situation and it didn’t get the necessary reaction? Try a different way the next time. You have a “toolkit” built in from your own life experiences. Use that. You will build that “toolkit” as you parent, and you will have more experience to draw from. 

Sometimes you’ll feel lousy about how it’s going. Other times you’ll feel like it’s smooth sailing. You’re going to wish you did some things differently, and that’s okay. All parents feel that way. There will be ups and downs because there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Remember, it’s a new experience for everyone. Show yourself, your partner, and the child grace. In the end, you’re creating your own new family.