Stop And Go
My chest feels shrunken.
Stop and go. Stop and go. Stop and go. Stop.
I no longer want to see my friends, this drive is not worth it.
I blink my eyes a few times—they are glassy.
My body, I shall attempt to describe it, something was off. I had been separated from myself. I did not like this idea.
Stop and go. Stop and go.
Fear. What was I experiencing? The fear cuts me off, so I slam on my brakes again.
I relive my entire day. Each step, each moment, each movement..I ask myself if I am on drugs. I am not. Had I accidentally taken any? No, that would not make sense. I could not recollect ANYTHING that would lead me to feel this way.
Stop and go. I need this to stop.
Help. Please. Someone please. Help.
My heart punches my chest. My forehead is burning up. I wonder if I am dying. I wonder if this is what takes place before one’s last breath. Stop and go. Stop and go. Stop and go. Stop and go.
My brain is imploding. This must be the end. I am twenty years old and on the brink of death.
I spray lavender on my collarbones. On the back of my neck. Then on my face. Then around the car. Then on my collarbones. Then on my face. Stop and go. Stop and go. Stop and go.
The fright is overcome by pure terror. It grasps my wrists and tightens its hold. I am catatonic, yet my right ankle is still able to press and release the gas pedal. Stop and go. Stop.
I am shaking now. I am dying.
I am being attacked from within.
Voiceless, confused, dazed.
The music from the radio speaks to my ears like a eulogy.
Stop and go.
I am uncomfortable. I am restless. I squirm.
I now want to die. I want to be put out of this misery. I do not understand.
I want to cry. I need to cry. The tears do not present themselves upon my cheek, yet I am definitely crying.
But I go.