Exhausted. Confused. Petrified. These words pop into my head when I stare at my reflection and reflect upon where I am today. My eyes are dull, and there are prominent dark bags under them. A dull, lifeless expression dominates my face. I witness parts of my life flash before me while I watch, recalling who I was before becoming this husk of a human.

I fondly remember the energetic little girl I once knew, who saw the beauty in the world. She carried on, blissfully unaware of the harsher realities awaiting her, hidden among the shadows and watching her like a vulture hunting its prey. It attacked slowly, picking away at that hope and draining my determination with each year that passed.

 My heart aches thinking about it, especially when comparing how I used to be to who I am now. Back then, my thoughts never swayed without a fight, firmly believing I knew what I wanted, no question.

And yet now, I barely have a clue what I desire. The compulsion to constantly cross-examine my own mind and emotions impedes my journey towards true happiness. I went from someone who claimed they knew what was best for their life to a person who barely understands themselves, left damaged and exhausted after years of intense self-pressure and heartbreaking events that killed their joy a little more each day.

I’m a grown woman at a stage in her life where she’s both mentally and emotionally fatigued, desperately trying to save herself from the nightmares ready to swallow her whole and regain her footing towards inner peace. Meanwhile, I’ve witnessed many of my peers become quite proud of who they mature into. They’ve learned to embrace their confidence and flaws, taking strides toward the grandiose aspirations they dream of. Watching their progress sends waves of envy through my body, my mind craving that same feeling of accomplishment. 

I often feel left behind in life. When I critically examine my growth, I seem to have blossomed most when faced with extreme bullying as a child and when my mental health deteriorated. I can’t help but compare myself to others, who have developed thicker skin and unwavering confidence, even with their flaws.

Despite these intense battles, insecurities, and temptations to succumb to the gloom consuming my soul, I remain standing. Every day, I fight to endure while learning to follow my heart rather than my outdated expectations.

I am finally pursuing a career in therapy that I admire while working in retail for the time being. I’m taking risks I never thought I could, making changes such as modifying my appearance, seeking therapy, and writing empowering stories frequently during my free time.

These differences have led to a moment of clarity, allowing me to see the real me, the one who expresses themselves like they did as a child,  unapologetically empathetic towards the world around them. The same soul who wants to help others through the power of their words and prove that you don’t need to be rich or famous to have meaning or a purpose. 

Such subtle improvements are creating a visible shift in my reflection. Before I’m aware of it, a smile starts creeping across my face. I catch myself with a grin I hadn’t expected every time I round the corner into the bathroom or notice my reflection in my bedroom mirror. And it makes me feel as close to happiness as I’ve ever been.

It may not last for long, and my mental health won’t suddenly be fixed. Yet it shows that these changes aren’t all bad. Nor am I forced to have everything figured out like I believed growing up. Sometimes, surviving and existing is enough. And I will remind myself of that for as long as I need to, using it to regain my hope for a better destiny within the unknown future lying ahead.

Editor: Shannon Hensley