Have you ever been blindsided by a song you’ve heard a thousand times? The familiar words posing a question that you’ve wrestled with constantly? I had this experience while playing music from Jorge Rivera-Herrans’s new musical, Epic.  

A few days ago, I was practicing free writing. I sat at my computer, typing away and letting my thoughts paint the page. “Monster” kept replaying; I listened, though I knew the words by heart.   

As I came back around to the song for the 3rd time, I found my focus shifting to the lyrics. The chorus reached out, grabbing me like a friend ready to share exciting news.  

“What if I’m the monster? What if I’m in the wrong? What if I’m the problem that’s been hiding all along? What if I’m the one who killed you…every time I caved to guilt? What if I’ve been far too kind to foes, but a monster to ourselves?”  

A gradual sense of unease filtered in. Each new verse pushed my insecurities deeper, attempting to drown me in an ocean of depression. Although the context differed from my personal existence, I found myself questioning my own morals alongside Odysseus. In his case, as he ponders his life choices, he realizes his willingness to aid others isn’t always a good thing. Especially in situations where it comes to helping hurtful individuals who put his loved ones in danger.   

Similar to our main protagonist, I find myself wondering if I’m a monster because of how much I care for a world that disregards its most afflicted. Within my daily existence, I strive to support and protect others to a point where my empathy becomes a hindrance rather than a powerful tool. While many object, claiming my compassion is refreshing to see nowadays, I still question every choice I make.  

These sentiments disrupt my delicate mindset, darkening my outlook further. It makes me wonder why I should pursue virtue when it only yields failure. Why should I keep giving myself to a world that abuses that compassion instead of using it to transform?  

My choices only make sense when I take a step back to remind myself why I choose kindness. I do it for other people who also want an exceptional society, who try to do what’s right in the face of adversity. We all just need to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror without a deep-seated hate clouding our vision.   

It scares me whenever I get into this mentality Odysseus adopts. Unlike the protagonist, I can’t embrace the idea of being a heartless person. It’s not who I am, or who I wish to become. It goes against everything I believe, disregarding my morals and humanity. I am no different from those driven by hate and anger if I use ignorance and ruthlessness to survive.  

I’m terrified of becoming that monster and guilty of having these thoughts cross my mind. However, I know they represent flawed attempts to protect myself from getting hurt more than I already have. No matter how much I may want to give in and shut down like a generator on its last legs, my passion for doing good remains aflame.   

Being a better person for my closest friends keeps the gas flowing. I remind myself that life isn’t just a dark place filled with contradictions. Maybe someday, I’ll find the perfect balance I crave. After all, society can’t define my identity; it doesn’t even really know my true colors. For now, I’ll keep listening to this song and others like it. They will become my therapy, allowing me to process my feelings and soothe the damaged monster hidden within.   

Editor: Shannon Hensley