I grew up in a household with a lot of yelling. My dad shouted at me. My siblings and I screamed at each other. We were raised with loud words as our primary method of communication during conflict. Our family had no tools to maintain calm.

This made us feel scared. We feared our dad and walked on eggshells around him. My siblings and I were afraid of the mistakes we made and how much trouble we were in all the time. We felt like we weren’t obedient children and were always wrong.

Before my husband and I had children, I told him that I wanted to stop this cycle. He also grew up in a household where they hollered a lot. So, we both agreed, we would not shout at our children.

This was much easier said than done. I yelled and bellowed at my little ones because I did not know of an alternative method. I knew what I did not want to do, but didn’t learn what to replace it with.

Once, my girl had a meltdown about something and I was triggered. I thought she needed to settle down and told her to take a deep breath. I knew deep breathing was great for calming down. When she cried louder, I became angrier and said, “TAKE A DEEP BREATH.” She gulped air between sobs in response. My anger made the situation worse because in the end, we both screamed at each other. I failed to deescalated the tantrum. I made it worse. 

My frustration increased every time I told her what to do to calm down and it didn’t work. We both became increasingly embittered until I raged at her and walked away to another room while she wailed.

At some point, I stared at myself in the mirror and thought, What am I doing? I am my parents, but faultier. How were my actions supposed to create positive change? Was I crazy?

I realized how easy it was to trigger that old pattern. It did not take much for me to become angry and mad. I did not have a single bit of patience for when someone cried. My instinct when my child cried was to get mad. This is what I learned when I was younger. I was raised in an angry household, so all I knew was anger.

The focus must be on me first. I discovered that I had to model calm to my child, but I had zero experience with this. Luckily, I was studying to become a health and life coach. We were taught a 5-5-7 respiration technique used to relax the body. The steps for this approach inhaled inhaling for 5 seconds, hold the air in for 5 seconds, and exhale for 7 seconds.

This blew my mind. I was wowed by how simple it was to execute. I vowed to use this for myself and my family. Of course, I changed it for a 2-year-old.

The next time my toddler cried frantically, which was probably the following day or that evening, I reacted differently.

I got down to her level, I held her hands, and said, “Look at me. Can you do this?”

Then, I took the biggest, most ridiculous loudest gasp that I could muster. I puffed up my cheeks and held my breath for five seconds. Then I blew raspberries out exaggeratedly accompanied by insane lip flap noises.

This accomplished so many things.

1. Her mom did not bark at her.
2. I calmed down because how could I be angry while I am performing this ridiculous routine?
3. It stopped my kid’s wails because it distracted her enough to watch me. She cannot yelp and observe me at the same time.
4. After she stopped crying, she mimicked me and began to deep breath as well.

My family welcomed another baby into out lives. We still practice this 5-5-7 breathing technique and it has been more effective because she is older and understands that the purpose is to relax. She learned that this approach was used to calm ourselves when we were angry and wanted to roar. I have learned that she does this when I am not around. It was not 100% successful, but it was a start.

We both learned a lifelong skill when we discovered how to maintain calm and regulate our emotions with this 5-5-7 breathing method.