Content warning: Depression, therapy

It’s insane how one little thing can change your whole perspective on life. For example, I recently received a loaner electric wheelchair from my manufacturer to use while I wait for my new one to arrive.

I have learned an important lesson about myself. My independence is too important to me to go without a power chair for a long period. I allowed myself to feel worthless because I didn’t want to ask anyone for help. I was exhausted just wheeling down a hallway. It took me longer to do everything because I cannot wheel myself fast. This meant I needed someone with me whenever I wanted to go anywhere. My chair was short, so I couldn’t even reach the sink to get water. I felt like I had to depend on others for everything. I was more of a burden to my loved ones.

This is my first electric chair in three years because I was feeling okay in a normal hospital wheelchair. I didn’t understand why my other friends who are chairs talked about being depressed because they were using a broken-down chair. It annoyed me in the past when my chair wasn’t working properly or needed repairs. However, I always had a way to work around the problem. A friend would push me to class, or into a cab. I could lay down if I needed to give my body a break.

Now, I gained 35 pounds in the past four years. I lost all of my muscles, and cannot move as well. This caused pressure sores which are painful and take forever to heal sometimes. I didn’t want to get up because I knew I would be sore all day.

Today, I start my new workout regimen to get myself back to my old weight. I can go to the gym in my building to lift weights to build up my strength again.

This loaner chair won’t solve all of my problems. There are still some deep emotional issues that I need to learn to confront and learn how to move forward, and thankfully I am in counseling to help with those issues. My focus can shift from being solely focused on my needs. I can help more so others around me will be less stressed. I’m excited to start this new chapter in my life and enjoy the world again.