Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

I have had these feelings for so long. I’ve been asking myself if you even noticed how I have been feeling. And if you noticed a change in my mood, I wonder if you cared.

I felt like I was alone all of the time, even though you would always say things like, “I’m right here.”, “I love you.” or “I’ve got you.”

You’d tell me what I always wanted to hear but never followed through on promises. Feeling lonely is so draining.
When I told you that my favorite aunt had cancer, your response was, “I had a shitty day.” Then you told me how shitty your day was for stupid reasons.

I remember setting aside time in my schedule to spend time with you. But, instead, you go on and on about petty drama, like, “my sister left a dish in the sink” or “I lost my favorite lighter.” Feeling like I mattered less to you than your “favorite lighter” broke my heart. Making me feel like I was cast aside was a daily event.

I wouldn’t hear from you for long periods. A girlfriend or boyfriend should be a priority if the relationship is going to grow into a healthy long-term bond.

I’ve been called “petty” because I left, and I can understand why people think that. You thought I hated the color pink. I know how dumb it sounds to break up with someone over something so minor. But I saw it as not knowing something about me and not paying attention to things about me.

I have had pink blankets, pink sweaters, and even pink paint on my bedroom walls. You just didn’t know that. I got to a place where I just felt less important by the day.

One day it happened. I just broke apart. My heart shattered, and I gave up. I was done feeling hurt or sad. I just felt nothing when I thought of you.

When I stopped feeling anything when I thought of you, I knew that it was time to call it quits. When I broke up with you, you sent me a text that said, “Play sad music in the background.” Reading that response made me feel like our split didn’t matter to you. That was the end of everything for me.

I spent the evening of our break up watching Disney movies and crying and wondering if you were sad at all that I was gone. I opened up to people who I trusted while processing our split. Friends told me that you didn’t care about me. Some friends called you an emotional abuser. My counselor said that you didn’t love yourself and couldn’t love me because of your self-hate. My mom said that I deserve love.

I can’t help but wonder if you were cheating because of the emotional detachment and being gone so often.
I can say that I started therapy in the first place in an effort to be a better partner for you. I wanted to get more comfortable with my sexuality. Because being a sexual assault survivor makes my sex life hard for me. Therapy was the thing that showed me that I deserve to be loved, and in the end, it was a driving force in my choice to leave you.

You ignored my pain and cries for attention. Finally, someone gave me the love that I deserved; someone else showed me that attention that I deserved. I felt terrible for straying from you. But knowing what it was like to feel like I mattered and feel loved made me happy.

I still feel really insecure if the new person in my life leaves me on “read” because he’s reading a book or helping his parents with something. I hate feeling so insecure. But, just like before, I will be working to fix the damage that you caused me.

Featured photo created by Keely Messino in Canva