Physical touch has never been my love language. I have not been a hugger, kisser, or cuddler. This sentiment did not change even after I became a mom.

My oldest was born six years ago. Even when I met my firstborn, what I’ve heard described as the moment that makes all the pain, hardship, waiting, and changes worth it. I had no desire to smother her with smooches. I had a second child, and my feelings remained the same.

For a long time, I held on to the belief that I was not a good mother. I believed that something was wrong with me. That my child deserved someone better, someone who could love her more. I internalized a lot of guilt and shame.

Moments when my children craved hugs, I shied away. If they needed cuddles, I sent them to their dad. Kisses were a one-way street: I allowed them to kiss me once on the cheek, which was as much as I could handle.

For three years, I lived every day convinced that I was the worst type of caregiver because I could not love them.

I Was Wrong

The only thing that changed was my definition of a “good mom.” I reinvented my version of parenting and discovered that I have been an amazing parent who does not enjoy physical closeness. My love was shown with unique styles. I realized I needed to stop comparing myself to the other mamas out there. When I fully accepted who I was and that I mattered as well, I was able to embrace my style of motherhood.

When my kid got hurt at the playground, I did not scoop her up in my arms and kiss her pain away. Instead, I sat next to her, let her cry, and asked if she wanted a squeeze or a rub on the boo-boo. I gave her a choice and then told her to let me know when she was feeling better.

At night, when my son asked for someone to sleep with him, I did not offer myself. Rather, I asked him if he wanted three or five books read to him before bed. We would enjoy the stories together, then I slept in my bed. I needed this time for myself. It’s how I recharged for the day.

I was present and played with them. We did a lot of crafts and activities together.

A big thing that was important for me was that I informed my friends and family group and told them to please love on my children as much as they want. Just because I didn’t kiss them, it didn’t mean that the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and nannies couldn’t. 

Lucky for me, I married a man who adores the baby, and cuddles and kisses them when they go to school. I did not know at the time that this was someone I needed in my life. It worked out that way.

Who I’ve Always Been

I’ve never aspired to embrace family members, even my parents and siblings. I was more comfortable with greetings with space. During the COVID 6-foot distance rule, I did not feel isolated because it gave me an excuse to not be touchy-feely with everyone. I felt that society would judge me because I had a strict personal bubble. Even a fist bump was not my preference. My go to was a head nod or subtle bow because there was no physical touch requirement.

I was always enough for them.

Once my tots were old enough to ask me why I didn’t want them to sit on my lap, I explained. I told them that everyone was different and not all people liked being touched. I was one of those. Touching made me uncomfortable, and that was just who I had been.

Even if they did not understand it at the time, they respected my wishes. They would ask, “Mommy, can I have a hug?” before they jumped towards me. In the same sense, I also asked them how they want to be comforted if they are angry or sad. I did not assume that they desired cuddles.

I modeled for my littles to voice what they wanted and needed. That it was ok to say no and to respect what others asked for. I’ve seen this play out in my son’s kindergarten class. Sometimes, kids chose to hug him, and other times, he initiated the embrace. What one wanted yesterday might not have been the same as last week. He learned to watch and ask if his classmate seemed hesitant. Also, they learned a lot, and it wasn’t perfect, but it was a start.

I incorporated my form of parenthood into who I was without guilt and shame. My kids have been adored since the moment they were conceived. They have received it from me through my actions. While they have not grown up with a mom who smothered them in physical affection, they have felt loved in the way that I knew how and that has always been enough.