Prayers of Lament and Gratitude
We seriously need to talk. For months, I had no words for my feelings. I’ve sat in stillness for hours, embracing your presence and simply listening. There is comfort in silence, or at least there can be. I think it’s time I put words to my struggles, to my pain. Are you ready to listen?
Six Months of Struggle
The last six months consist of struggle after struggle. Drowning under the weight and pressure of it all, I cannot catch my breath. My chest is heavy and constricted. My brain is foggy and cluttered. I chase down fires from minute to minute, desperately searching for water to extinguish the blaze. Emotions are raw all around me. Not only my own, but the feelings of the people I love most are frayed and tattered. The world is spinning out of control. My only mission is to anchor us to the ground, so we stay together through the chaos.
What Is the Lesson?
God, I want to know why? Is there an important lesson I am missing? Right, I know. Everything is not clear in the moment. Someday 20 years from now, I will look in the rearview mirror, see, and understand. Guess what? I HATE this! What? Everything – the stress, anguish, struggle, exhaustion, and emotional upheaval of my life day-to-day. Finding strength, I did not know existed, from parts of my mind and body that are beyond exhaustion is not enjoyable. None of this is fun!
Can It Be Over Now?
Lord, I’m done! Not really. I will fight, advocate, support, and love my people until I no longer have breath. But we’ve had more than our share, and I need a break. Can I have a few days with less struggle? Not an expectation of zero difficulties, but less would be great. I am hanging on by a thread, fearing it will break any moment. A few moments of peace from the mental and physical health issues and the constant juggling of work, school, and home would be appreciated. Give me one moment a day where the overwhelming feeling is peace, one single moment.
Angry Yet Still Grateful
Anger and frustration about our current situation are normal. I dislike anger. It is not an emotion I am comfortable with. God, you know this. I sit with the uncomfortable outrage, realize it is a necessary emotion, and wait for it to pass. Yet I am grateful for a few things during this chaotic madness. I am thankful for my husband. He makes the hard things easier, even if he can’t fix them. There are no words to express my gratitude to the amazing administration at my children’s schools. When I have no answers, and all I see are problems, they look for solutions. Finally, I am grateful for our doctors, psychiatrists, and therapists. Having a team of professionals on your side is an invaluable resource.
Thank You for Listening
Thank you for listening to my messy prayers. My emotions are frazzled, but I know you are near. Still not sure where this mess is leading us. God, please continue to rest with me in silence. Sit with me when all I want to do is scream. Hold me as I cry. Amen.
For More on Lament
If you are interested in learning more about prayers of lament, I recommend Abby Norman’s You Can Talk to God Like That: The Surprising Power of Lament to Save Your Faith. Click here to read about my insights after reading the book.