Ashley
A thick wind spilled through the streets and over the cars as they slowed to accommodate a bus. It hissed, then jostled away from the sidewalk and joined the line of brake lights that snaked off.
Sam saw all of this as if in miniature. The people, so many people, all with mornings behind them, and days ahead, moved toe to toe along set routes and ordinary routines. He saw himself reflected in the front windows as he emerged from the cloister’s fabricated entrance beside Rachel. They made an odd pair. She was bright and refreshed, him, tired and small, but together they walked towards the cafe. Sam couldn’t help but look at the window where his ex sat. But as he did, his heart stopped.
“She’s gone.” His eyes scanned everywhere in a panic. The bus shuddered as the cars in front gained speed. Sam’s skin prickled. He spun around and watched the bus slip away among the vehicles. “I missed her!” He felt drunk. A wave of relief intoxicated his mind, but a second later, the relief soured, and his stomach twisted.
“Maybe not. She could’ve moved.” The pontificating sky cast Rachel in a drab light, and she appeared less angelic than before.
Why is she helping me? Then again, why did he help anyone today? For selfish reasons, mostly…
The couple could have given him a ride if their marriage hadn’t collapsed. He’d dismissed the old man who asked him to walk the dogs. Besides, Sam only talked to him because he thought the EMTs might offer him a lift. He hadn’t tried to talk with the woman in the evening gown.
I did help the kids with the kitten. Tried to, at least. He couldn’t ignore a child alone on the streets.
Maybe that’s it. I’m like that kid to her; she can’t help herself.
“Sam?” Rachel’s face reflected a thought Sam couldn’t decipher. “Let’s go.” She glanced up as the air tightened.
“What do you want from me!” He didn’t mean to shout, but the words erupted all the same. “Why help me?”
“Because you were hiding in my apartment lobby like a little boy.”
Sam flinched.
“And helping anchors me. That way, when we’re behind the counter together, you’re not just a coworker. I’ve got your back. And you’ve got mine. We don’t have to be friends, plus you seem like a lot to deal with regularly, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to ignore you if you’re struggling.”
Sam reflected on this. “I’ve never helped you outside of work.” The clouds groaned as a lone raindrop splashed onto the cement.
“That’s not the point. It’s about anchoring yourself. You’ve gotta connect to something or someone if you want to get through whatever life throws at you.”
Sam shut his eyes. Being attached to someone scared him more than facing his ex ever could. As if she read his mind, Rachel’s tone softened, and she stepped closer.
“It’s not easy, but if you find the right people, it’s effortless. You have to take that first step of course, and you have to be there when it counts, but it’s a two-way street. What goes around comes around.”
Sam wanted to change the subject and looked past Rachel at the window. “I was ready to talk to her.”
“And that’s nice. Sometimes you hold yourself back and end up missing out. But who cares? Life doesn’t. Next time you’ll be ready, or not. That’s up to you.” Rachel turned away. “My shift is about to begin.” She started for the door. “I can say you’re sick if you want to go home.”
“No, wait.” Sam took a deep breath. “I can get through. Whatever happens.” A heavenly dam burst as he said these prophetic words, and with a great cathartic heave, the clouds opened up, and the rain fell. Sam and Rachel flew into the café and shook themselves off. He wiped his face and wheezed.
His manager looked puzzled as he entered beside Rachel. “Weren’t you on bar?”
“No,” Sam glanced past her. Drew’s head poked out from the kitchen, then withdrew upon seeing Rachel beside him. “After I took the trash out… I got lost.”
“Wha—How?”
“I don’t know.” Sam smiled shamefully. “I guess I took a wrong turn. Wanted to take a shortcut and ended up going in the opposite direction.”
“So, you’ve been wandering the streets?”
“Yeah, guess so.”
His manager blinked, then her gaze fixed on a gullible passerby. She shrugged and walked off. “Hi there! Have you tried this month’s specials yet?”
Sam glanced at Rachel, who flicked her eyebrows reassuringly as she tied her apron. When she left to punch in, Drew emerged. “You got lost?”
“Yeah.” Sam began to wipe the countertop.
“I’ve been covering your ass for hours.”
“Barely two.” As if that made his absence excusable.
“Something had to happen, though.”
“I got lost.” Sam brushed a pile of spilled grounds into the trash. Before, he’d feared being called a liar. Now, as Drew stood in front of him, hips hooked and arms folded, Sam felt an intimate attachment to everything that had transpired. Divulging any part would be a betrayal of self, as if it would reduce his experience to an anecdote spoken offhandedly to new hires as nothing more than a fable.
“Don’t know what else to say. Those side roads twist every which way.”
Drew opened his mouth, but before he pressed further, Rachel clicked her tongue, and he scampered off.
The morning rush had ebbed, and the few customers that remained sat absorbed in their own lives. Sam performed his duties robotically, as if in a dream. Whenever the door opened, his eyes snapped forward, and his stomach constricted. But it was never her.
She’s not coming back. He hoped the definitive nature of the thought would calm his nerves. The door opened again, and without thinking, he tensed and peeked over the espresso machine. A doctor shook himself dry and waved to everyone as was his custom. He approached Rachel, who tended the register, and apathetically grimaced.
“Large red eye, please. Been in the ER all night and I’m about ready to drop.” While Rachel rang him up, and Drew readied the order, a thought pieced Sam’s muddled mood.
“Did an old guy come in an hour or two ago? He had a fall.” He stood beside Rachel as she handed the doctor his change.
“You’re going to have to be more specific.” The doctor dropped a ten into the tip jar. “You know his name?”
Sam stared blankly. I never got his name! “N—no, he’s got two dogs, that’s irrelevant though.”
The doctor shook his head. “If you know the name, I can check, but without one, it’s a needle in a haystack. This weather has got everyone’s joints in rebellion.” He took his coffee and drank with vigor. “I’m back to the pit. Have a good one, guys.” He turned and left, the coffee cup pressed to his lips the whole time.
I can’t believe I never got his name. Did I learn anyone’s? Sam retraced each encounter, but everyone appeared as nameless strangers with blurred faces. He busied himself with a spill Drew had made by the drip machine, but he squirmed as the realization settled deeper.
I didn’t share mine either. Why didn’t I?
“Drew!” Rachel called from the back room. “What’s this doing in here?” She held open the freezer and glared with pitiless rage. Drew’s body wilted, and he joined her in the other room. Sam stared at his shoes and replayed his conversation with the man on the bench. He gave me his whole life story, but didn’t mention his name?
“Excuse me?”
A woman’s voice pulled Sam into the present with unexpected force. Why was it familiar? He spun on his heels while his stomach tightened out of habit. When she saw him, her expression widened, and she was speechless. Sam studied her face like one does an old acquaintance, trying to find a hint of familiarity in someone who’s become a stranger.
“Oh!” he exclaimed. “I was in your house this morning!”
“Oh, my god!” An awkward laugh fragmented her speech. “What are the odds!”
“I’m so sorry about—” Sam glanced around, as if he could fix everything with what lay before him. “What do you want? It’s on the house!”
The lady waved her hand. “No—no, you’re okay! Thank you for helping my son. He went out to look for me during my run. But ended up calling for anyone.”
“Yeah, but I wish I could’ve, well, you know.” His voice trailed off.
“Hey, you did the best you could. It’s not uncommon to lose one.” She shrugged so nonchalantly that Sam felt a bang of embarrassment for how tightly he’d clung to the blame.
“How’s the cat doing?”
“She’s great! Just brought her back from the vet with four healthy kittens.”
“Really?” The weight of the whole morning fell from Sam’s shoulders. “That’s amazing!”
“They’re very cute.” She smiled. “That’s actually why I came in. Would you mind if I hung this on the bulletin board?”
She gestured at the wall as she held up a simple flyer titled in a bold font chosen by a child, Adorable Kittens for Sale Now.
“Totally! That’s our community board; anyone can put up whatever they want.”
She thanked him and, with coffee bean shaped pushpins, stuck the page to the board.
“Can I get you anything?” Sam asked again as she returned from the wall.
“Thank you, but I’m fine.” With a smile, she held up a stack of flyers. “I’ve got more of these to put up.”
“Next time, then, it’s on me. I insist.”
Her smile widened. “If I have to.”
“Oh!” Sam called out as she turned away. “I’m Sam, by the way.”
She looked back at him. “I’m Ashley. Thank you again, Sam.”
“Least I can do. I’m glad it ended well for you and the kittens.”
“Me too.” With a wave of the flyers, she left.
The rain had bled itself dry by the time Sam’s shift ended. With a heartfelt nod to Rachel and a half-assed one to Drew, Sam left the cathedral and collapsed into the front seat of his car. Though his body was sore and exhausted, his mind was quiet. He stared at the hospital’s stark, clean structure, then at his phone. With the last of his battery, he texted his sister.
Just clocked out, but I’m going to be a little late. Got an errand to run first.
He clicked the engine on and began to retrace his path from the morning. As he waited at the intersection by the park, he saw his friend on the bench. His eyes were closed, and a cigarette dangled in his right hand. Sam marveled at how quick and easy the route was in a car. When he got out in front of the old man’s house, the dogs perked up behind the screen door and began to bark. He smiled. The air had been revived by the rain and felt light and cool. Next door, the old man he’d spoken with slowly rose from a plastic lawn chair on his covered porch. Sam lifted his arm above his head and waved.
Editor: Shannon Hensley
