Dear Mom And Dad
Dear Mom and Dad,
First of all, I want to apologize because I know this may be difficult to hear and understand. Second of all, I want you to know that I’m very grateful for all the support and love you’ve given me over the last three decades.
I know that the 20 plus age gap between us has created some tension over the years.
You don’t always know how to digest new ways of thinking and ideas. There are many ways to be comfortable in one’s skin. But I’m grateful that you try to see the world through a new set of eyes.
Therapy is giving me the tools to love and respect myself and learn to let go of the parts of myself that are concerned with the expectations of others. I feel that societal expectations and peer pressure from other people are toxic to overall happiness.
I know the subject of my dating life, and even my sex life has been the subject of gossip at family functions, BBQs, even graduations. People always wonder when I’m going to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or even if I have some sort of weird sex dungeon, where I do sick shit, because, of course, the nerdy, quiet goth chick has to have several dark secrets.
The truth is, I’m asexual! I’m very slowly coming to terms with this fact. I know that this is probably something you don’t understand, but much like being bisexual, there are many different caveats to being asexual. I have been working with a therapist for a long time now because I thought trauma had broken something inside of me. I thought my lack of sexual desire would make me unworthy of being a romantic partner for someone.
We spent many hours trying to fix what was not broken and then realizing that there was someone out there for me. So many people who don’t have sexual desires possess desires for romantic relationships and monogamous partnerships—my desire to conform to what society made me a person that I didn’t like.
I felt like I was worthless. I would have sex with people just to make them happy. This made me feel dirty. The messed-up part is I want to feel loved and attractive.
Even as a kid, I struggled with these issues. I would pretend to like the boys in class who made the other girls giggle. As a teenager, I would hear girls talk about sex with guys or how they wanted to have someone’s babies, and I just didn’t get it. I didn’t feel those things and thought that I must feel those things. I didn’t. After high school a d experimentation with girls and guys, I figured out I wasn’t interested in girls either.
When I started therapy, part of the goal was to become a better partner. But, unfortunately, I felt that that meant that I had to be a sexual being.
I now know that it’s okay, and the person who God made for me will love me and understand me.
I know you’re probably confused because you do know that I had a crush on Ashton Kutcher for a very long time. Even after you told me I couldn’t watch that 70’s Show because it was “grown-up,” I would sneak down at night and watch it so I could stare at Ashton Kutcher.
When I daydream about Ashton Kutcher, I think of us taking walks on the beach having ice cream and find the puppies, and then Mila Kunis shows up, and then we have an awesome time at the beach eating ice cream.
Even if you have romantic feelings towards someone or find people aesthetically pleasing, not wanting to have sex with anyone classifies you as asexual.
What I thought was a journey to fix the broken pieces from my past was actually a journey to accepting who I am and knowing that I’m the person who got made me and that there is nothing wrong.
As always, thank you for being incredibly understanding and kind. As I progress in this journey and start becoming more accepting and open with myself, I hope that I can meet someone special, and you’ll be there every step of the way to watch the relationship grow and change.
Photo Created by Keely Messino in Canva
Well done Keely. It takes immense courage to write with such honesty 🙂