This article is a hard one to write. And to be honest, I don’t even know where to start. I know what you’re reading this, you probably associate the above statement with something like the coronavirus or black lives matter. I completely understand that those things are horrible. And I don’t understand why the world is being affected in this way. My struggle is more personal to me. I used to think that everything that I went through from my physical disability and my mental illness had a tremendous purpose. That I somehow was a better person for carrying all of these burdens. I would go as far as to say that I thought someone who didn’t share my struggles firsthand was lesser than I. 

Maybe the thought that I was in some way anointed made the physical and mental pain easier to bear. My parents raised me in church and I used my faith to help me through my struggles. Growing up, I needed many surgeries. Of course, surgery can be scary and carry a great deal of risk at any age. I struggled to connect with other kids because I was always missing school. All of these things took a toll on me mentally. 

As a way to help me cope, my parents tried to instill faith in me from an early age. It worked. I remember praying before every doctor’s appointment and never missing a Sunday school class. 

When you’re young, you trust adults without question, but as you grow, you begin to see the flaw in human nature. My grandmother, an 83-year-old pensioner, feels compelled to give money to some  TV mega preacher who has more money than he knows what to do with. I’m starting to see hypocrisy throughout. I know far too many people who gossip and then talk about not judging others. In this day and age, I don’t understand how anyone could be anti-LGBTQ but, unfortunately, I know some people who do. They run around talking about how God loves all people but hates sin; and these same people can spew hatred and propaganda towards innocent people who just want to be happy and find love. I’ve heard people say that someone who is bisexual will automatically give their partner AIDS. That is not true.

I was looking for something to do last year and started attending Bible study at my college. I was hoping to find something to make me feel safe and empowered because I was feeling vulnerable. It breaks my heart because I met amazing people who are welcoming and showed me nothing but kindness, but I also read a lot of things that didn’t make sense. A large amount of what was written contradicted other parts of the Bible, including the Ten Commandments. As time went on, it became increasingly evident that humans wrote this book. Not only that but humans that seem to have a lot of judgment in their hearts.

It took me over a year to find a counselor who was willing to listen rather than talk about Jesus. I am in therapy and currently dealing with trauma that I should have dealt with 15 years ago. Unfortunately, the impact of the event was not something I understood at the time. My friends wouldn’t speak to me, and my parents believed the monster who traumatized me. I struggle to deal with the anger that I feel toward the people I love. 

I’m starting to understand that while I’m finding purpose through advocacy work and connecting with others, that is another reseason I find myself pulling away. I have spoken to many people who are survivors of assault and were abused by religious leaders, or their religious beliefs kept them from speaking out.

I feel as though the Christian faith is being weaponized. 

It’s hard for me to think of something that always brought me comfort as something negative, but I’ve reached that point. I felt guilty about my changing belief and decided to read a copy of The Satanic Bible. I was surprised to find that it isn’t what I had been lead to believe. Those people do not commit violence or rape as part of their religion. While sexuality is to be expressed freely, it must be a consensual act. The idea of rape and killing babies is simply told by Christians to push an unhealthy “us versus the outsiders” mindset. 

I hate the toxic way people treat one another, and It breaks my heart to feel myself pulling away.