The CrossFit Turkeys
Turkeytown, a small turkey community in California, was home to several thousand toms, hens, jakes, and jennies. These weren’t just any turkeys. Rather, they were talking turkeys, communicating like humans. Although, it wasn’t acceptable to reference them as being human-like since Turkeytown turkeys feared humans. Such comparisons weren’t well-received.
The rafter of turkeys all lived in perfect harmony. Well, except for Furkey, a bully tom turkey. And the flock was safe from horrible humans. Well, except for whenever that one dreadful day approached… the day humans referred to as Thanksgiving.
As for tyrant Furkey, he loved to make things difficult for others in his community. His quick-paced stride depicted arrogance. His wattle was garish, and his snood was flashy. The portly bird often gave scathing stares and remarks. Nothing was worth ten seconds of the insolent tom’s time.
And Turkeytown’s other issue—that horrible holiday causing birds to vanish—lit a fire under their asses whenever the time neared. None of the turkeys actually knew what happened on the humans’ Thanksgiving Day. But what they did know was that if any friend or family member were captured, they were never seen again.
As a result, many turkeys decided to improve their fitness levels and joined CrossFit. Being faster and stronger would give them an advantage against the awful humans that collected them. The turkeys were determined to escape their greedy hands.
November had again arrived, ushering in cooler temperatures. A brisk breeze wafted into Coach Burkey’s CrossFit Center, located in his open and spacious garage. Jurkey and Curkey welcomed autumn’s reprieve from summer’s scorching days. The two members at the 7:00 am session performed a series of stretches to warm up before delving into the day’s workout. Murkey and Durkey arrived and joined the others in stretching.
Coach Burkey’s gym cleverly utilized every available square footage. The ample equipment fit well into the space, allowing plenty of workout area. Even the driveway often provided additional workout space, especially if multiple members attended the same session.
Country music played in the background on the frigid Friday morning as the fitness members finished their warmups. Coach Burkey sipped his coffee, and the chilly air amplified the rising vapors from the sizeable white mug.
“If you watched my video last night, then you know what today’s workout is gonna be,” Coach Burkey announced. “It’s gonna be awesome,” he said with a smirk.
The turkeys chuckled amongst themselves. They were used to Coach Burkey’s sarcastic sayings, always delivered at the right moment. And he certainly had quite the repertoire to choose from.
“Ha! Did you say awesome?” balked Furkey. The ornery turkey stood, observing from the bottom of the driveway. “I’m pretty strapping without all that unnecessary crap,” Furkey boasted, while kissing the so-called muscle on his right arm.
Coach Burkey and the others smiled but refused to respond. Furkey’s constant remarks didn’t warrant an ounce of anger. It was pointless. They ignored the interruption and went about their business.
“Today, we’re gonna do sixty reps of a partner ball toss sit-up. And there should be eight feet between each member. Then, we’re gonna do ten rounds each of ten deadlifts and five burpees.”
“Whew, burpees are so hard,” mumbled Durkey.
“It’s supposed to be hard,” retorted Burkey with casual and entertaining sarcasm.
Boisterous laughter erupted at the bottom of the driveway. “I’ll bet my mom can do more burpees than any of you,” taunted Furkey.
Again, not a single response seeped from the CrossFitters’ mouths. They went about their workout, completing the series of daily exercises in silence. Well, except for the groaning and panting from exerting themselves.
Furkey strutted away, shaking his head in disapproval. He mumbled, but his sarcasm fell on deaf ears.
The following week was much the same. Jurkey, Curkey, Murkey, and Durkey’s unwavering participation continued at the 7:00 am session. They performed deadlifts, push presses, and overhead squats, dampening their feathers in sweat. They were hellbent on improving their overall fitness level to avoid capture.
The other consistent factor in their daily lives was Furkey’s mockery. It steadily spewed from his judgmental mouth. His wattle wiggled as he sneered and sniggered. “Look at all of you, trying to build your physique. But the truth is, you’re all still weak!” A colossal guffaw exploded from the portly turkey.
Coach Burkey turned his back to the annoyance, then cranked up the music volume. He walked amongst the actively exercising members, correcting movements as needed.
The following day brought much terror; several humans entered their turkey community. Men ran around the flock, pointing a random finger here and there.
Jurkey shouted, “Must be close to that human Thanksgiving thing… here they come! RUN!” A human charged after her as soon as the words left her mouth. The determined man leaped on Jurkey’s body, forcing her down. But she grinned and executed an epic squat. She then thrust upward with such force she sent the human sailing into the air. The human landed with a thunderous thud and fell unconscious. The super-fit hen giggled with glee as she sprinted away.
Curkey spotted a human racing toward her. She hopped onto a fallen tree, then tucked and secured her feet under the nearest branch. She reclined to a lying position and waited with a smirk as the human approached her. The man hovered above and reached out with both hands. With lightning speed, Curkey performed a GHD sit-up, thrusting her body upward. Her beak pecked the man’s eye, sending him backward in a fit of screams. The hen roared with laughter as she darted off.
Murkey made her way toward Jurkey and Curkey but found two humans headed toward her: one from the left and one from the right. She stopped and searched her surroundings. An idea popped into her head, causing an ear-to-ear grin. The hen grabbed a heavy branch from the ground, then performed an impressive push jerk, which pushed one of the jerks away. Then she tossed the branch aside, bent, and wrapped her arms around a sizeable rock. Murkey executed a perfectly timed and magnificent medicine ball clean, whacking the human in the chin. The impressive move knocked him into a state of oblivion. The hen chuckled and ran to join the other turkeys.
Durkey came face-to-face with an undaunted human. The determined man called out for the assistance of another human. With raised arms, they sprang toward her. But Durkey simpered and drew in a deep breath. Without haste, she pivoted left, then right, zooming past the menacing men. The humans ran into each other and fell to the ground. The hen laughed and hurried away, catching up to Jurkey, Curkey, and Murkey.
The four hens stood together, panting and glancing around. They spotted Coach Burkey, fending for himself against three humans. His capabilities were unmatched by the pathetic humans. Years of prioritizing his fitness proved beneficial. With ease, he forced them all aside, then sprinted away with impressive speed. Not a single human attempted to give chase because their athleticism was unparalleled. Burkey joined the CrossFit members, and the five watched to see who would be snatched.
Ornery Furkey tried bullying his way through the crowd of trotters. He pushed some toms, hens, jakes, and jennies down to buy himself time to get away. But one male had his sights set on the portly tom. Furkey ran and ran and ran, but he soon tired. He lacked the same impressive stamina as the CrossFit turkeys.
Furkey huffed and puffed, and his pudgy legs failed. His stamina proved minuscule compared to his sarcasm. A human caught Furkey, the bully tom turkey, sending him into a fit of childish behavior. He flailed and screamed, then thrashed and bawled. His tremendous tantrum exceeded that of any toddler turkey.
“When karma lands, it lands hard.” — Tom Fitton
The group of five glanced at each other, sighed, then headed over to help the miserable turkey. They worked together, circling the human with a frenetic pace. Each fanned their tails and puffed out their feathers, whacking the human off his feet. Loud gobbles filled the air, distracting the fallen human. Furkey sprinted away, neglecting to express his appreciation to the CrossFit turkeys.
Coach Burkey watched as the tubby turkey trotted away, panting up a storm. “It only feels like you’re dying,” he spewed one of his sarcastic expressions to the ingrate. The coach sighed, rolled his eyes, then called out, “You’re welcome.”
Jurkey, Curkey, Murkey, and Durkey shrugged their turkey shoulders and followed Coach Burkey away from the awful humans.
The following morning, the group fell back into their fitness routine, determined to prepare for next year’s human invasion.
Furkey, the tom turkey, waltzed into the gym and joined the others. “I… uh… I’d like to become a member.”
Coach Burkey tossed Furkey a jump rope and instructed him to follow along with the others. With an ear-to-ear grin, the coach said, “It’s gonna be awesome!”
“Bullying happens because weak people need to prop up their ego by beating up or humiliating others.” — Bruce Dickenson