“I think I’ll go visit my mother next weekend,” Jerry said as we sat in the living room.

Alice and I groaned. His mother was about as crazy as a big bear who lost its cub; bat shit. But if he went, that regularly meant we all went because we would end up doing something after.

“Can’t we talk about it later?” Alice asked.

“I’m going. Now there’s nothing to talk about.”

Issac smirked from next to me as he and his cousin, Zane, did their hacking and code writing thing they do. It was a rare moment to see Jerry taking control and not listening to his girlfriend. Alice hated his mother, but the feeling was mutual, and we all knew it.

***

“Fucking crazy bitch,” Alice said the next morning.

I looked up from my book as she walked in, looking nothing like anyone from any movie when they woke up — you know, the hair that’s sticking up in all the right places to look cute and makeup looking as fresh as the night before.

Actually, she looked like a psychopath with her hair, dirty blonde sticking up in random directions and dark raccoon eyes from having forgotten to wash her eyeliner off last night.

“Well, good morning to you too, Sunshine,” I mumbled, taking a sip of my coffee.

She sat next to me and grabbed my coffee out of my hands before I swallowed the drink I had taken. I raised an eyebrow as she took a large gulp and handed it back.

“Not you. His mother,” she said. The look she gave me was one that, without a doubt, said she would most likely stab somebody right now if it weren’t illegal. And that somebody would be her fiancé’s mother.

I rolled my eyes. “It’s ten in the morning. What the hell could she possibly be doing so early?”

“Blowing up his phone.”

This was a normal thing with Jerry’s mother. If he didn’t call or text her for so long, she would lose her shit. She would start claiming that he didn’t love her, he hated her, and he was an “ungrateful little shit,” blah blah blah. Then she would start blowing up her Facebook about how much her son hates her, and all her friends would be like, “Oh, Nona, I’m so sorry! I can’t believe how selfish he is!”

Then, after she got over that, she would start yelling at him about how his girlfriend was controlling him. It occasionally sounded something along the lines of “I can’t believe you’re letting yourself be controlled by pussy. She doesn’t let you see me. She has you grabbed by your balls and won’t let go.”

Then the conversations would often end around there because Jerry would agree to go see her. It would be all rainbows and unicorns with her for the next few weeks.

That was her normal routine anyway.

“Usual thing, I take it?” I asked her. I put a bookmark in my book and set it down on the table. We were both curled up in the kitchen chairs in our jammies.

“It should be over soon. She’s already talking about how I’m controlling him.”

I chuckled. “I can’t believe she doesn’t realize that the only pussy controlling him is herself.”

“That’s a nice conversation to wake up to,” Zane mumbled from the couch across the room.

“Did we wake you?” Alice asked.

“I’ve been up, but I couldn’t go back to sleep with him yelling.”

“Sorry. We’re usually quiet.”

I snorted. “Not at night, you’re not.” A laugh started to ripple through the three of us, but the silent morning was interrupted.

“Are you fucking serious?!” Alice and I jumped as Jerry’s voice rang out from their room.

“What the hell is going on?” My mom asked from her room. She would normally be out in the living room or kitchen with me in the mornings to enjoy our morning coffee, but she didn’t want to wake Zane, and it was too cold to sit outside.

“Jerry’s mom.” Alice and I spoke in sync; that wasn’t unusual either.

“Why doesn’t he change his damn number already?” she asked.

“Because she blows up his Facebook,” I replied.

“Then block her! Come on, guys; you’re the damn kids, shouldn’t you know how to do that?”

Zane and I laughed. My mom’s commentary still made us feel stupid in that I’m-the-mom-I-know-best way, even though we were all adults and out of high school.

Everyone loved my mom’s house. She was the type of mom who took care of her other “children.” The ones she had informally adopted because they were my friends.

Alice and I had been friends since our sophomore year of high school when I transferred to her school. She and Issac had dated for a few months before they broke up, and she met Jerry. Zane was Issac’s cousin, and they had been like brothers.

It was a typical weekend for us. Issac and I lived with my mom, and Alice and Jerry had moved in a few months ago to get jobs here and find their own place together. Zane would hang out with us on the weekends, and he and Issac would game or write computer codes together for fun.

“We did that,” Alice told her. “Her friends blow up his Facebook, and she makes other accounts to get to him.”

My door opened, and Issac walked out looking like a zombie from The Living Dead.

“Hey, baby,” He said through a yawn. He walked over, rubbing his eyes before leaning down and giving me a kiss.

“Sorry, he woke you. His mom’s already starting her shit,” I mumbled. I pulled him closer for one last sleepy kiss.

“Jesus, I was going to visit you this weekend! Dumb bitch!” Jerry walked out looking like Grumpy — the Smurf or the dwarf, either or.

“Did you just call her a dumb bitch?” Alice asked, perking up.

“No, I said that after I hung up,” He said, crushing her hopes and dreams. Typical. “So guess what? You’re cheating on me like the whore you are,” He told her.

“What?” She asked, appalled.

I rolled my eyes. That was a new one from his mom.

“Yup. One of my mom’s friends saw you and a ‘fat’ blonde dude at Walmart yesterday.”

“Wow,” I said with a dry laugh. “I guess she doesn’t know that Alice was here this entire weekend.”

“I can’t believe she has the nerve to lie about me!” She opened her mouth to say something else, but Jerry’s phone ringing shut her up.

He walked away, and we waited in silence, playing on our phones. Zane joined us in the kitchen and stood next to Issac. When Jerry did come back, he didn’t look too happy.

“She said she’s going to report my car stolen and have me arrested for auto theft.”

“She can’t do that!” Alice screeched. Her hair was still sticking up, and she looked like an angry drenched cat.

My mom came in then. “What is she trying to do?”

I smiled and took another sip of my coffee. Always the mother hen.

“She’s going to report my car stolen.” Jerry was livid and hanging on by a thin thread; you could tell because his eye was twitching.

“She can’t. It’s your car, isn’t it?” She asked.

“Technically, it’s hers. I’m still making payments to her for it. I have five hundred left, and the title is still in her name.”

“Don’t you have proof of payments?” I asked.

“I’m paying my mom — I didn’t think I needed proof of payments. I didn’t think she would do something like this!” 

“You always get proof of payments. I don’t care if you’re making them to Santa Claus!” my mom replied. Alice snorted and hid a laugh behind her hand. She had told Jerry that, too.

Jerry’s phone rang, and he answered with a yell, “What?!”

Too bad we couldn’t hear the other end of the conversation.

“I don’t care… No, I don’t. You’re the one who wants to have me arrested just because you’re pissed off… You work in the morning, and I work at night; what the hell else do you expect?… I already told you I was going to visit you next weekend… I work tomorrow… Then call the cops! I have more than enough witnesses that say I have been paying you for the car… Oh my god, Mom, she isn’t keeping me from you!”

“For fuck’s sake, tell her the only pussy trying to control you is her,” Alice whispered.

Jerry looked at her unimpressed as his mom screamed on the other end. Then his attention went back to his mom.

“Did you really expect him to say that?” I asked her.

“No, but it was worth a shot,” she said with a shrug and grabbing my coffee mug. I shot her a dirty look. The coffee pot was three feet from her, with fresh coffee in it.

“I can’t believe you would ruin my life by having me arrested, so no, I won’t visit you now… Yes, you will! I’m having a hard enough time finding an apartment with a stupid misdemeanor, let alone theft on my record… Jesus Christ, she’s not — You know what? The only person with a pussy trying to control me is you!” he screamed and hung up.

The fact that I started choking on my coffee was the only reason I wasn’t looking at Jerry in astonished shock. “Holy shit, you actually said it,” I gasped out. Every mouth was open in surprise as we stared at him.

“Holy fuck! What am I going to do?” he asked, pacing the living room and gripping his hair.

“Why don’t you leave the car in a parking lot? Cops can’t prove anything then. Your fingerprints being in can be explained by the fact that you’re her son,” Zane said.

“I just paid for new tires and put in new speakers.”

“So leave the car in the lot, and we’ll take all the tires and speakers out. You have receipts, right?” I asked.

“No.”

“Oh my god, you can be stupid sometimes,” my mom told him. “Call the police where your mom lives and ask them what to do.”

“Okay,” Jerry mumbled. He stopped pacing and looked up the number for the police station.

He talked to an officer for a few minutes as we waited. Well, we did. My mom went back to crocheting to keep from exploding; as long as she wasn’t singing to herself, we would all live another day.

The rest of us tried to make the time go by faster by playing on our phones, but our nerves were on high alert, trying to figure out what to do. We couldn’t sit still, and our phones weren’t distracting enough.

“She said to take the car back to her house. If I get pulled over, and it’s stolen, she has on record that I called so my mom can’t do shit to me.”

“Go do that now before she does call it in.” My mom told us.

“I can’t drive, I just,” he showed us his hands which were shaking with fright. Or maybe it was anger. Or both.

“I’ll drive it, man. Don’t worry about it,” Zane told him.

“You sure?” Issac asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah. At least this way, I can actually drive a stolen car and get away with it,” He joked.

We all changed in record time and headed to a gas station. Issac, Alice, and Jerry rode together so they could try to calm him down. I rode with Zane because I wouldn’t be able to help. I would end up making him freak out more with my uncontrollable need to always think and prepare for worse-case scenarios.

At Jerry’s mom’s house, it felt like we just committed a crime, and Zane and I hopped out like the car was on fire and jumped into Issac’s car.

“Go! Before she sees us,” Jerry whispered as if she could hear us from inside.

The speed limit in the residential area didn’t mean shit at this moment. Lucky for us, it was too cold for kids to be playing outside.

The entrance was right there; we were almost free from any drama.

Then Jerry’s mom appeared from nowhere and blocked the entrance with, wouldn’t you know it, the car we had dropped off.

Featured image by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash