Content Warning: This piece mentions thoughts of suicide. Please read with caution 

How do I confess to family and friends that I almost did the unthinkable and tried to turn out the lights forever? 

In 2025, I nearly acted on a fleeting intrusive thought. Depression had taken its toll, and the desire to disappear was a familiar feeling. Like a toxic friend, it wouldn’t leave me, no matter how much I begged.  

I sat alone in my room; the puzzles on my wall taunted me with their serenity that hung out of reach. The wolves in the puzzle above my bed stare down at me, their eyes full of judgment. They knew I was wounded and sensed my fear. 

They know you’re weak, and so do you. The voice in my head never taunted so loudly as it did then. 

“I know. You don’t have to remind me all the time,” I mumbled, clutching my fists. 

You know I get a kick out of tormenting you. 

I could feel my stomach churn and blood boil, my eyes shut tight in a desperate attempt to block out their venomous words 

You make it too easy, you know. You and all your insecurities. 

“I’m inadequate. A failure in all the ways it counts with no purpose in this world.” My voice cracked, vision going blurry as an overwhelming sense of hopelessness began to consume me. 

At least you can admit it, am I right? 

The voice cackled profusely while thousands of thoughts continued to fill my head. They insisted I was worthless. They consumed me and dragged me deeper into the depths of darkness that flooded my mind. 

I sobbed my eyes out and gasped for air between painful cries. A profound weakness overwhelmed my muscles to the point where my body ached with every movement. I felt so disgusted with myself that I couldn’t bear to see my reflection. 

You’re pathetic. You don’t deserve any form of love. You’re so useless and forgettable! 

I couldn’t find the strength to speak, my body moving on its own towards the kitchen where a small cluster of my medication sat atop the counter. With each step I took, the voices got worse. And it reached the point where it felt as if I had only one option left.  

Go on…grab the bottle and do it. A few extra pills and it’ll be over. You won’t have to make another mistake ever again 

“Yeah. Then no one will be burdened by my emotional baggage anymore. They won’t have to deal with my constant insecurities and doubts. I’ll be free from the pain and fade away into nothingness,” I replied, about to grab the pill bottle before my eyes. 

As I reached out, something stopped me. A smaller voice in my head sounded almost childlike. They begged me not to go through with it and reach out for help instead. For a moment, I thought I’d ignore it and go on with my plan. However, the young voice kept crying out for help. It told me to think of my family and how devastated they would be. To think of my friends and the memories I’d miss out on if I were to end my story here. I couldn’t put those I loved through that pain. 

The bottle clattered to the counter as I raced out of the kitchen, back to my room. I grabbed my phone and contacted the suicide hotline. They told me my life was valuable, and I wasn’t as invisible as I believed. Thanks to their patience and skill, they talked me away from that edge before I fell over and was gone for good. 

Looking back now, outside of that dark perspective, I’m grateful for both the professionals who helped me and that small internal voice that encouraged me to seek support in the first place. The thought of the irrevocable action I almost took, just to end my suffering, terrifies me.  

Not only that, but it has been a serious wake-up call about my view of life as a whole. I have a whole crowd of people surrounding me who love me and want me to succeed. My inner child longs for development. I don’t want to end my story with my tragic death before I even get to start living. My tale of life should have a happy ending!  

My goal involves battling and surmounting these difficulties, emerging improved. I want to show people my strength to prove they’re absolutely as strong. Sharing my healing is part of that growth 

The first step is admitting you’re not okay and seeking help, either from professionals or loved ones who care about you. I’m still working on this, which is why I take my medication and attend therapy. 

I’m not proud of this moment, nor have I fully learned to embrace myself. However, for the first time in my life, I’m trying to teach myself that I deserve to live. I take walks in the park and enjoy the peaceful serenity of nature to ease my anxieties. I’ve found ways to challenge the intrusive thoughts. The voices hate when I talk back to them. 

So now, I share this story to encourage others to fight alongside me. Like all broken souls looking to heal, you deserve to live and be loved. Don’t give up; learn to embrace your flaws to improve them. Once you overcome the worst, even the darkest moments look brighter. 

If you or a loved one are experiencing harmful or suicidal thoughts, please call the numbers below or visit 988lifeline.org. You are not alone. 

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 

Trans Lifeline: 1-877-565-8860(for the transgender community) 

TrevorLifeline: 1-866-488-7386(for LGBTQ youth) 

Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255, Press 1 

Editor: Shannon Hensley