Choosing Yourself

“What do I do now?”
Lacey sipped her coffee as Syler’s clear boundary replayed in her mind. “When you figure that out, call me.” He was direct; he wouldn’t settle. Lacey had to decide if Brooke’s presence was worth the chaos.
Her hand tightened around her mug so hard that her knuckles whitened. She felt frustrated by the conversation replaying in her head. She tried to steady her breathing, focusing on the warmth of her coffee mug, but it didn’t help. Realizing that her current location wouldn’t calm her, she stood to leave.
Don’t make your choice out of anger.
But no procrastinating either.
She sighed, finished her coffee, and left a five-dollar tip. The waitress’s kindness deserved acknowledgment. Smiling, Lacey exited the diner. The cold air stung her cheeks, worsening her annoyance. Shoulders back, head high, she walked home, ready to regain control.
Did she still love Brooke? Lacey wasn’t sure. Every instinct told her she needed to be alone before she’d be able to untangle her feelings, especially with Brooke so close. Right now, Brooke’s safety remained a priority regardless of their former relationship. Once she reached her lobby, she took a deep breath. Her nerves bubbled to the surface as she contemplated how she’d tell Brooke to leave. Fear of hurting her caused her to have mixed intentions.
Lacey took a breath in the lobby, feeling nervous about telling Brooke to go home. She wasn’t sure if she should prioritize Brooke’s feelings or her own peace.
She walked to the elevator and pressed the button. Her hand, holding her keys, trembled as she reached her unit.
Keep your nerve. Anxiety churned inside her. Every bit of her wanted to run the other way, but she knew she needed to regain control of her life. Standing in the threshold, she saw Brooke still on the couch, now awake and watching TV.
She placed them in the bowl, shut the door, and entered the living room. Irritation replaced the adoration she once felt for this woman’s presence. She didn’t want to confront her, but chaos brewed inside her body the more she stood there. How could one person contribute to so much disorder in her world?
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” Brooke asked.
“Did you even move today?” Lacey inquired, skipping her former girlfriend’s concern.
Brooke furrowed a brow at the dismissal and sudden accusatory questioning. “Hello to you too,” she scoffed. “I have moved. Thank you. I made myself some breakfast,” she told her, sitting up from the laying down position she was in to study Lacey further. The blonde usually wasn’t this unkind.
Lacey’s eyes diverted to the kitchen sink, noticing the dishes left there. “Left a mess too,” she said, shaking her head with disappointment.
The brunette was now at full attention, confused by Lacey’s sudden attacks on her cleanliness. “Did something happen or what?” she asked, sounding annoyed.
A silence fell between them. Lacey’s mind raced, but her mouth took over without thought.
“He broke up with me,” Lacey said for the first time since she and Syler had spoken. He hadn’t used that exact verbiage, but in her mind, that’s how it felt.
“Oh, baby, you didn’t need him anyway,” Brooke replied sympathetically.
Her perceived lack of care sent Lacey over the edge. Maybe Brooke meant well, but in Lacey’s head, she couldn’t see it.
“Leave now,” Lacey urged. The words hit sharp and cold, stripped of all explanation; her rage finally spilling over. Attachment or not, all that mattered was pushing Brooke away, to put raw distance between them.
“What the hell?” Brooke snapped. She was stunned by how quickly Lacey changed her mind after a single bad day.
“You’re throwing me out because your ‘boyfriend’ who you barely know broke up with you? Is that how you treat a friend?” she continued. Using air quotes had Lacey seeing red. The brunette’s response stoked an already well-lit flame inside her.
Lacey scoffed at the idea. The closure between them never came. Brooke chose Reuben and bolted, only to show up pregnant with his child. Friendship seemed like a foreign concept in this scenario.
“You are a selfish inconvenience!” she exploded, her fists balling at her sides in her best attempt to contain herself. “You vanished without a trace, only to reappear expecting me to mend everything. I can’t do this with you!”
Brooke’s eyes welled up at the blonde’s harsh confessions. She’s never witnessed Lacey so frustrated. She rose from the couch in silence and packed her bags. Pride prevented Lacey from taking back what she’d just said, though she wished she could.
A heavy, oppressive silence met the brunette’s hurried packing in the room. Once she had tossed all her belongings into a bag, she moved to the door and slammed it shut behind her. Lacey flinched at the sound as her body came down from the intensity of her emotions.
Despite the fallout, she removed the distraction from her home. She plopped onto the spot on the couch where Brooke had once sat. Were boundaries meant to feel this uncomfortable? Why did she feel so guilty for standing her ground? The discomfort made it seem like a weighted vest around her shoulders. For a change, she wanted to stay home on the couch and use the time to reflect. It wasn’t often Lacey was alone.
Editor: Lucy Cafiero









