Today I Figured Out That I’m Going To Be Okay
Ever heard the saying “When God closes a door he opens a window?” I never used to understand that phrase, but I think I get it now.
Today I was journaling, and I had a very strange feeling wash over me. It felt like I was wrapped up in a warm fuzzy blanket. It felt the way that the first sip of freshly brewed coffee makes you feel on a fall morning. I like to savor these great feelings as I suffer from anxiety and depression. I hate struggling with these bad feelings because I never know if I’m supposed to shake it off as the symptoms of my illness or if I should be listening to the bad feelings that are looming over me, because I believe in following my intuition.
I know that being a college student is a very stressful thing. I have an illness that means I need insurance in order to pay for the treatment for the crippling symptoms. I spoke with my doctor about my worries over getting an entry-level job. Getting a job like this could potentially mean needing to pay big bucks for my treatments without insurance.
My doctor told me the solution was simple: find internships while I’m getting my graduate degree. Internships would enable me to gain experience and build a resume and contacts in my chosen field of employment.
Recently, I was met with two internship offers. Both of these internship offers had good recommendations and seemed to have friendly staffers. I had to choose just one, and in the end, I made a very difficult decision.
It feels weird to have many different things offered to me. This time two years ago, I got turned down for a job selling beer. The following fall I got turned down when I tried out for a part as a bloody corpse in a haunted circus. They turned me down for the haunted house because they thought that I was putting too much time into school and would not have time to “develop my character.” I was confused as to how or why someone would choose to make a pretend haunted house their full-time career.
I held my tongue and began to focus on my studies. Eventually, Coffee House Writers came along. I felt very blessed to have the opportunity to be part of an organization that I really believed in. I made friends who really believed in me.
I made a lot of positive changes in the last couple of years, including letting go of a lot of toxic things. The toughest thing was saying goodbye to an old friend; this friend was trying to talk me out of chasing my dreams of being a mom and having a career. This supposed friend told me that people with mental or physical illnesses wouldn’t be able to get jobs or adopt kids.
I feel that he was realizing that I am finding my happiness and he simply wanted to make sure he had my attention all the time because he wanted to be more than friends. The last time that we talked was over a year ago, and I feel so much better now.
I have friends now that encourage me to grow and learn as an artist, and as an advocate. I want to be a good role model.
I had to admit that my disability is hard and makes life hard, so I could make changes. I had to admit my past was painful so that I could move on from it and work on my mental health. I hope that I can continue to improve so I can use a public toilet with ease and get a job that will take me to exciting places. That door is closing slowly. Working on closing that door will give me more freedom and open the door to my dreams of getting out of this decrepit small town. This town in upstate New York is the kind of place that every kid talks about leaving in high school, but after graduation, they will surely get a job at the local factory or be waiting tables at the Olive Garden. The couple voted most likely to succeed will surely settle down, have a couple kids, and try to open a sandwich shop, and they will more than likely be forced to close its doors within a couple years. When I die, I don’t want to be just another ghost, or just another dusty, crumbled photograph. I want people to remember my name. With the love and support I have found, I know I will get there.
My friends and co-workers have told me to trust myself and trust God and I’m trying. Today I figured out that I’m going to be okay. I am going to win the fight.