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There’s a lot of reasons why I’m glad 2019- and this decade- is ending. I could list them all, but at the time of writing this, it’s the holidays, and I do care somewhat about those. While this isn’t a true part 3 to my series on looking back at this decade, it is something of a sequel to a sequel.

So without further ado, here it is. Looking back at a decade: a personal retrospective.

Triumphs

The biggest part of 2019 had me coming into my own or at least trying to. In this year, I discovered that somehow…I’m okay! I’m okay; I’m in control, I’m someone to myself even if I’m nobody to everyone else. The weirdest thing, though, I didn’t discover this because of someone else or because of society; I discovered this on my own with very little outside help.

I discovered this because, in a lot of places, I failed. I failed because I couldn’t pass my driver’s test. I failed because I couldn’t move out and be on my own financially. I failed because I became stressed about seemingly everything and anything.

And then I failed because I wasn’t able to admit my failures.

But then. I did. One day, I stood in front of a mirror and said, “yeah, this isn’t working.” And then I did something about it. I moved again. I began to budget. I admitted I’m terrified of driving and really don’t want to do it, even though I know I will eventually have to. And maybe I haven’t figured things out entirely. Maybe there are some things that I need to work through. But I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m in control.

Another area I succeeded in is the area of writing. This year, I have been more determined than ever just to write. In fact, by the end of this decade, I will have written thirty thousand of an estimated fifty thousand word book. By the end of this end, I want to say, “I almost have this book ready.” And then, I plan on getting this aforementioned book published. I honestly can’t wait.

When it comes to relationships, I like to think I moved forward. I didn’t move forward by much, but I moved forward. And next year, I know I’ll have to try harder to move forward even more. This year, I’ve thought about the people I’ve become friends with in my real life. I’ve realized that many aren’t real friends. Normally, I don’t throw the word toxic out and about like it’s a football, but yeah…this person I need to cut from my life is toxic. This year, I realized that I need to step away from the path certain relationships are taking.

Which brings me to my point:

Frustrations

This year, I learned that I have very little value to a shocking amount of people. This part might sound like a rant. I’m not entirely sorry for that.

First up, let’s talk about my chosen career path: I want to be a writer. Yes, I have a vague idea of what I want to do with this choice of mine. Yes, I want to write books. Yes, I want to speak about those books passionately. Yes, I want people to experience those books. And after all that…I don’t know. For some people in my life, writing is not a “good” idea. They think I should be chasing something more lucrative than writing. To them, I ask: what do I chase? I love to write. I have a talent for writing. Am I supposed to waste that talent like you suggest I do? Because let me tell you something: society gets nowhere when talent is wasted.

Second, relationships. Truly a sore spot for me because even though it’s twenty nineteen, women’s lives are not complete unless they are romantically linked with a man somehow. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting to fall in love and get married, but that’s just not the life I dream of. I dream of traveling and writing. And if someone comes along and wants to join in that, without expecting me to be a certain way or do certain things, that’s great! But relationships in this day and age don’t work like that. See, in this society, even though it’s twenty nineteen, there’s this ideal life a person- especially women- have to look up to. And it’s simple: date, fall in love, have kids. And again, that life isn’t what I imagine for myself. Again, I want to travel. And I can’t think of why anyone would want to stay with someone who wants to travel the world. I am not the perfect person society wants me to be.

Which brings me to my last point: the idea of perfection. I’ll be honest, I’m eight hundred something words into this and I still have yet to use all caps. I’m surprised. Because if there’s one thing that frustrates me to no end, it’s people saying that society has taken steps forward to be more diverse and inclusive. THAT IS NOT ENTIRELY TRUE! There, I said it. Yes, representation has become better established in media and mainstream cultures. But diverse ideas have not. I think women are still told that their bodies are ugly because they’re not thin. And I think women are still told that they have to seek that ideal life where they can have it all while men are still told that they need to be an unattainable definition of “manly.” And not only that but food-wise we are told that things like “MSG” and “GMO” are bad for us. MSG is naturally produced by our body, and literally, EVERYTHING is a GMO. (It should be noted that GMO stands for genetically modified organism. I say that everything is a GMO because evolution doesn’t make things stay the same. Food-wise, GMO means that farmers will breed two or more crops together to get a desirable trait- like resistance to droughts for example.) Yes, maybe certain preservatives should not be included in food. And yes, there needs to be more accountability for what companies are using to help make their food tasty and make sure said food travels well. Just because something is labeled GMO, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Because if it weren’t for things like GMOs and “dangerous chemicals,” I couldn’t eat bananas or drink a nice cool glass of orange juice. In the future, I think we need to…well think before we start toting the idea that certain things are better than others.

Retrospective: 2020 Can’t Come Sooner

So there is it, my own personal retrospective about 2019. My triumphs, my rants, my “can we please stop this?” Looking back, 2019 wasn’t all bad. It could be better. Yes, it could have been much better. But this was the year that I figure out a lot of important things about myself and the society I live in. And now, going into a new decade, I’m going to wield these weapons like Wonder Woman wielding her lasso of truth. I’m going to march onto that no man’s land and deflect bullets with determination and confidence.

And heaven help the god who stands in my way.