“What I would give to have one more day of that year.”

A friend recently shared a group photo from almost eight years ago, and a mutual friend commented this sentiment on it. The photo has over a dozen people in it. Most would agree that it was an incredible year, full of fantastic memories. We were all living in the same hall (or at least the same building) on Ball State’s campus, and we all did basically everything together.

I had never had a friend group like this. I had never experienced so many adventures and so much love. From over-crowded birthday dinners at restaurants to late night chats in someone’s room, I will forever be grateful for the friendships that were made that year. Many of the people in the photo are still close friends of mine. I still get together for holidays and birthdays with a few of them, even though we live an hour or more apart. One of them has moved several states away, but we still text or Snapchat all the time. A couple of them I consider some of my best friends.

My point is that yes, that year was amazing, and I don’t know what my life would be like had I not met these wonderful people. However, I would never want to go back and relive that year. Sure, if I could redo the year knowing what I know now, then absolutely! But I would not want to go back as it was.

That year was the year my depression started spiraling out of control. That year, my mind made me believe things that just weren’t. That year, I was completely lost and didn’t have a clue as to where I was to go or who I was to be.

I would love nothing more than to have more time with these people. But I want it to be now. I want to be with them now that I’m not severely depressed. I want to be with them now that I’m not pretending to be someone else, now that I’m not a chameleon completely changing based on who I am around. I want to be with them now that I can truly appreciate life and the fun we could have.

Because I believe that’s what would happen: we’d have fun! I love these friends with all of my heart. I know I haven’t been the best friend; I could have tried harder. But I hope they understand that I needed to work on me and my mental health. I needed to be my own priority for a while. I’m still here, though. I still want you in my life and if you ever need or want to talk, you know how to reach me.

You all are incredible, and while I wouldn’t necessarily go back to 2010-2011, I wouldn’t change our friendships for the world.