It was plain to hear

no conversation could take place

without a chaperone

Hushed voices from another adult

Stopping sentences half said

Then came, “Please try your call later,”

disconnected numbers, no dial tone.

All contact stopped.

Believing now that no happy reunion

Filled with tears and so many questions

Will be in my future

I have forever lost my son and daughter.

Missing parts of my heart and soul

Aching with phantom pain

Screaming for relief

But then I began to think

Of the pain that you two may feel

Bringing me to my knees

Clutching at my empty womb

I only wanted to give all of you a better life

One out of the government-funded poverty

Food stamps and a monthly check

Barely enough to survive

I wasn’t raised that way

Making me feel like a failure and a fool

You provide better for your children, not worse.

A destructive relationship

On the verge of implosion

I had no strength left

To save your father too

Too many times he slapped that helping hand

With threats of death

Which at times I think death

would have been better than this

You all deserved better, I thought

Again and again. Making thoughts reality

I was motivated

Working and going to school

Carving out a better life

Finally, I could afford

Christmas gifts,

vacations to the beach

And birthday parties.

And although money doesn’t buy happiness

the bright toothy smiles made it all worthy.

It’s those smiles that carry me

Through each agonizing day.

But no matter the distance and time that passes

Pieces of me you carry deep within you

The little voice telling you

“Everything is going to be ok.”

the deep-seated emotions

a tide running deep

and forever my undying love

as your Mother.