I had my first doctor’s appointment since Covid. I was terrified my new doctor would yell at me for how bad things have gotten for me physically. My bladder spasms have gotten a lot worse. I usually don’t have any issues with leaking as long as I get to go to the bathroom twice. Now it has gotten to the point where I will go, and then I will leak when I transfer into bed. I wear adult diapers, so it’s not uncomfortable, and my bed is usually safe.

Other days I will have to run to the bathroom and still have an accident multiple times a day. I get worried about ruining the brand new bed, so I’ll wake up numerous times a night terrified that I had an accident. I also sweat a lot at night, so that doesn’t help make me less anxious, so my sleep hasn’t been great. I’m also trying to limit my liquid intake, but that makes me more tired I’m trying to work out a happy medium.

My doctor gave me a referral for physical therapy and a flu shot. I have a doctor’s appointment with a doctor who will help me specifically with my Cerebral Palsy. They’ll help me get back on medication that will hopefully help the spasms. She also suggested that if the medication doesn’t work that I see a gynecologist that specializes in bladder issues. I’m happy about that. There is a plan, and things will get better.

I have been having a rough couple of months. I had to talk to a crisis person a few weeks ago because I felt like I didn’t bring anything positive to anyone’s life. Plus, I learned through that interaction that no one is going to prioritize me, but me. How did I expect others to value me as a human being if I didn’t value myself? I have slowly been taking better care of myself. I’m trying to remember not to beat myself up for past mistakes. Even if it may not seem like it, there’s a reason you exist. Someone is grateful you are in their lives; if you cannot find a reason to live for yourself, live for them.

Featured photo by johnhain courtesy of Pixabay