It Took Me 10 Years…
Trigger Warning- Domestic Violence
It took me 10 years to fully get over you. Every blood-curdling scream from my throat over 3 years was a testament to the manipulation that you had subdued me to. It was 3 years of walking on eggshells and uneasiness and a semi-permanent lump in my throat and knot in my gut; this was all because of you. The lies and deceit and malice were second nature to you. But I was not the only one at that time. You had god knows how many people in this trance- lost in a world of squandered realization of all hopes and dreams.
Nothing was your fault; your anger, your lies, none of your behavior was ever your fault. It was always me who should have acted differently. It was me who should not have said that or pushed you over the edge to act the way that you did. I shouldn’t have acted in such a way to make you beat me.
It took me 10 years to realize that I am better off not being a victim. At the time, I didn’t know I was being treated poorly. This was all I had ever known, and it wasn’t all bad. The key to manipulation is making someone fall in love with you and every word you say. So much so, you answer their every beckoning call. I came to realize that I was a pawn and a slave, a puppet to your words. Whatever you wanted or needed, I bent over backwards.
The commonality was comfortable, but it was more toxic than I knew. I was not only beaten and bruised, but I was ridiculed. You turned the table and made me your enemy. I was the “bad guy,” and not only did that ruin our relationship, but my friends and relatives’ relationships withered away too.
I was led to believe that I was nothing without you. I was left alone to wilt and decay or to eat away at myself. My self-confidence was in shambles, and you made me believe that I would be better off dead. I was scared for what you would do to me and for what I would do to myself.
It took me 10 years to see that I deserve better, and I deserve to be happy. I have found the way that you should treat another human being and see how a normal relationship works, and I’m doing pretty good in this one. Yes, I still have flashbacks to the highs and lows of our relationship. To your voice mocking me or your lies or your raised hand. I still get an immediate feeling of dread and despair and panic when I see a Jeep driving down the road, even though I know it isn’t yours.
The PTSD you have given me has scarred me, but I’m slowly recovering. Some things are still present, but the most important thing that is no longer here anymore is you.