Hey you,

I want to start out by saying I’m proud of you.  I’m proud of you because you’re constantly changing, growing into something special and that’s wonderful.  You aren’t the same person that you were yesterday, and you are the same person you’re going to be when you finish reading this letter, and that’s wonderful.  Thank you for always becoming a better version of yourself, even when things are getting dark.

I want you to know that the special times we had together are something I cherish: watching you grow and play, helping you with your homework, even the arguments we’ve had. Those are all times that I will cherish you until the end of time.

I’m proud of you for learning life lessons, even ones that are hard. Sometimes the most difficult things for us to handle are the things that make us who we are meant to be.

This brings me to my next point: I want you to know that, even though my health issues made it so, I didn’t carry you with me inside my body. I always knew that God meant for us to be together. I hope that you find the people that you’re meant to be with, and the people who are going to enrich your life in ways that you never thought possible.

Every day before I met you, I dreamed that I would get the chance to hold your hand, to watch you learn to push yourself on a swing. And even though you know what drives me crazy, I honestly wanted to help you get the sand out of your shoes. I want you to understand that the best things in life are worth working for.

The days I felt like giving up…days I felt like dropping out of college…days I felt like quitting my job, I felt like leaving everything. I thought of what it would be like to meet you for the first time, and that kept me going.  

Thoughts of your senior prom cross my mind: who was your date, or did you go with friends? I don’t care if you did guys or girls, as long as they’re nice to you and treat you with the respect you deserve. I know that you will dabble in different activities, everything from sports, school plays, going to church, to the stuff that makes a mom’s stomach churn, like drinking, staying out all night, or bringing home that one extremely shady friend. Just know that I’ll never judge you as long as you stay safe. You are a human just like me, and just like all those other people who try to tell you they are somehow superior. Life has its struggles, it’s okay. Right now, I’m going back to thinking about what it might be like the first time you put on your ballet shoes, or the first time you pick up a baseball bat, the first time you bring an F home from school, the first time you sneak out of your bedroom window and go do something you know would get you grounded for a week.

I’ll be right there with you through any hospital visits, appointments, the counselors, and visits to the principal. I will be there with you no matter what, because that’s what a mother is supposed to do.

I will never tell you that I don’t think you love me because I know how much that can hurt a kid. I’ll never judge you  when you screw up. I promise that when I’m angry with you, I’ll come to you and talk about it with you. You won’t find a post on social media or hear me talking about it to my friends, I promise I’ll respect you in the very beginning.  I promise to let you have pets and friends. I promise to let you read any book and ask any question. I promise to think of you as an autonomous human being, regardless of my beliefs or the “what if’s.”  I promise, in my heart, that I’ll remind you of what makes you amazing as often as I can. I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re a bad person, or like you’re worthless.

Amazing, special, wonderful, flawed,  unique, and beautiful.

I love you, already.

Mom