Having A Baby Is Not A Right Of Passage
Stop acting like having a baby is a right of passage into adulthood. As a little girl, I played with baby dolls and gave each doll a name and outfit. I loved each of my many baby dolls. I had a favorite doll. It was a tiny baby doll in a little white dress. I named the doll “Jessie” and took her everywhere. I would wrap my baby in a small knitted blanket and pretend to feed her with a little pink bottle. I loved that doll so much, and when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always say that I want to be a mama.
Why would someone who spent their childhood wanting nothing more than to be a mom suddenly change her mind?
Cute little dolls are much different from actual human children. I find real babies annoying when they aren’t happy, giggly rays of sunshine, if I’m frank. I hate the sound of babies crying. And even when I’ve thought of what it may be like to be a mom, I have always thought of things like helping my kids with homework, taking them to theme parks, and watching their school plays. My baby blanket is still tucked away in the linen closet because I looked at motherhood through rose-colored glasses.
Like most Millennials, I grew up watching sitcoms. I loved watching things like The Brady Bunch and Full House. Those kinds of shows give impressionable children an unrealistic view of family life. I think this contributes to the thought that having children is always fun and fabulous. Social media also paints a very idealistic picture of raising a family.
I have been blessed to be an honorary aunt, and I have seen the fantastic parts of being a mom as well as the awful parts. I love my nephew and niece, but I’m glad I get to do fun things with them. I don’t want to deal with tantrums and dirty diapers.
I grew up in a town with a significant class divide. Many young women who grow up in low-income families turn to motherhood in their teens or early twenties as a way to signify that they’ve grown up because that is what they know, and they feel like they don’t have options. I was led to believe that having a child is a means of growing up. It is not a rite of passage. You’re dealing with another human being that you have to nurture and care for, and if you are not careful, that baby could wind up dealing with a lot of baggage.
Now that I’m older, it’s perceived as something that people have to do in their early to mid-twenties. I can be the subject of gossip. At family barbecues, I’ll hear things like “you’re never going to have any grandkids.” People scoff and say things like, “Keely is never going to have children.” I’ve even heard talk that my parents have raised me wrong because I don’t want to be a mom. Many people don’t know that I was a victim of sexual assault. I can barely get through a pelvic exam without having a panic attack due to my trauma. I can’t imagine how I would feel going to be an OBGYN and being probed often.
I also have cerebral palsy, which is a condition that affects my ability to walk and my ability to use my arms and hands effectively. Carrying a child in my womb could present many additional complications that a non-disabled woman wouldn’t have to deal with. I’m terrified of the complications that a pregnancy would bring me both mentally and physically. I fear that those complications could result in me either losing a pregnancy or harboring resentment for my baby. I don’t want to bring a child into something that would be any less than extraordinary. I know many people who don’t have relationships with their adult children or strained relationships with family members because their parents felt it was their duty to have a child and get married to know that’s not what they wanted. And I feel bad for those who felt pressure from society to be in a life they didn’t want. This toxic mindset has made me distance myself from members of my family. I want a career. I love the field of content creation, and I’m growing as an artist and communicator. I want to live my best life.
Please stop acting like not having a baby is a fault in my character.