***Trigger Warning: Following Article Deals With Eating Disorders***

When recovering from an eating disorder, the most prominent “E” is eating.

When should I eat?

Where am I eating?

What should I eat?

Why should I eat?

How can I possibly eat?

The roller coaster of that “E” feels like an endless ride. But there is another “E” that dominates our disordered behaviors. I’d venture that without this one, none of us would have an eating disorder at all.

The “E” of emotions.

Aren’t our emotions what is driving disordered eating in the first place? Eating disorders aren’t about the food; they are about the emotion.

I spent close to a decade of my life in an eating disorder coma. When uncomfortable emotions came up, I ate. When I felt anything I didn’t want to deal with, I ate. Sometimes I restricted too, but mostly I ate. Dealing with the emotions through eating allowed me to cut myself off from friends and family. I drifted through those 10 years in this steady space of numbness.

I miss it at times. I miss being unaware of those deep feelings that, when bubbled to the surface, were packed back with an array of crap to stuff in my mouth. And it isn’t just the food that I miss. I miss that comfortably numb feeling that comes with suppression.

What I don’t miss is the isolation. What I don’t miss is the loneliness. What I don’t miss is that feeling of rock bottom.

If I had a Morpheus that offered me the blue or red pill, I’d take the red pill every time. I might miss it, but I don’t want to be back there again.

So, I have a heap of emotions. We all do. My added “bonus” is that even when I try to numb them with food, my red pill awareness doesn’t allow me numb out. That’s been a killer lately. Because my emotions have been on a high. And I’ve been rapidly cycling through binging and restricting. It’s enough to make my head spin.

Jealously. Anger. Fear. They all cause ED to rise like the serpent from the sea, sing-songing that sweet melody that ED will make things better. I’ve heard the call so many times. And I want to believe ED. I want to believe because I loathe who I am when riding the waves of these emotions. “Hold on to me!” ED calls. “You know only I can save you.” ED playfully splashes. It feels so good. I want to believe…

But I’ve taken the red pill, and I can’t go back. So, instead, I have to deal with uncomfortable emotions. Oh, but how? How? And THAT is the million dollar question. For tonight, I write hoping I can come to an internal understanding. Hoping the food stays in the kitchen. In hopes I’m strong enough to banish ED back to the sea.

If you or somebody you know is struggling with an eating disorder, please contact the National Eating Disorders (NEDA) Helpline at 1-800-931-2237 or text ‘NEDA’ to 741741.